Tag Archives: action

The Lone Ranger

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lone ranger

Director: Gore Verbinski

Writer: Justin Haythe, Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio

Based On: Radio show (The Lone Ranger) written by Fran Striker

Starring: Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer, Tom Wilkinson, William Fichtner

Tomatometer: 25/11/68 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: John Reid joins his brother, Dan, and a group of Texas Rangers on a manhunt for outlaw Butch Cavendish.  After Cavendish’s gang kills the group of Rangers, John, the lone survivor, teams up with a wise (possibly insane) Native American and becomes a vigilante.

Two Cents: Remember when Michael Jordan played for the Washington Wizards?  How about when Madonna performed at halftime of Super Bowl XLVI?  Few things are more uncomfortable than watching a former legend attempt to relive the glory days, only to fail miserably.  Okay, Jordan was still pretty good with the Wizards, but you get the point.

Gore Verbinski, Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio, and Johnny Depp once joined forces to create one of my favorite films of all time – Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.  Not only was the first Pirates movie intelligent, funny, action-packed, and original, it was completely unexpected.  Verbeinski hadn’t yet directed a mega-budget blockbuster, Elliott and Rossio had mostly worked on animated features, and Depp hadn’t played such a unique and transformation-necessitating character since Edward Scissorhands, 13 years earlier.  No one knew what to expect from the movie, and no one could have predicted that a Bruckheimer/Disney production would lead to an Oscar nomination for a vulgar, yet lovable, pirate.  After three more Pirates movies, however, the world knows what to expect from this quartet (sextet, if you count Bruckheimer and Disney as part of the team, as you should).

When this band gets together, we know there’s going to be inventive action, a healthy dose of Deppian weirdness, and a couple of long hours in between.  I love the Pirates movies, and I even love the Oscar-nominated Rango, another Verbinski/Depp project that was surprisingly fantastic.  Still, even I have to admit that the character development, plot twists, and witty dialogue that made those movies so entertaining have been on a steady decline since 2003.

Sadly, The Lone Ranger is the most glaring proof, to date, that this team of former all-stars is grasping at straws.  There’s some of inventive action involving horses and trains, but it works only as bookends to an otherwise dull story.  Depp’s Tonto is more awkward than funny, the dialogue is atrocious, and the other characters are barely one-dimensional.  The crime of wasting Tom Wilkinson, Barry Pepper, and Depp on such worthless roles should be punishable by 5-10 years of watching this movie play on a loop.  The one bright(ish) spot was a dark and creepy performance by William Fichtner, which only seems more impressive when considering the overwhelming ineptitude surrounding him.

Armie Hammer.  Armie freaking Hammer.

Hey, Johnny, it’s Jerry.  Good news.  We picked a Lone Ranger.  And, we only had to go to the 46th name on the list.

Is this a joke?  I admit I’m not very familiar with the Lone Ranger radio show or television program, but there’s no way George Seaton, Earle Graser, Brace Beemer, and Clayton Moore were this vapid.  If Verbinski had asked Depp to hold a broomstick with a mask stapled to it, it would have put Hammer to shame.  Note to casting directors: When searching for a talented actor who can do a legendary role justice, carry a two-hour, franchise-launching blockbuster, and successfully share a screen with Johnny Depp, your best bet is to steer clear of someone who got his start on Gossip Girl.  Do you remember who starred opposite Depp in the Pirates movies?  That’s right, Geoffrey Rush, a man who is one Grammy away from becoming the world’s twelfth EGOT winner.  There’s got to be someone somewhere in the middle.

I am a huge fan of most of the key players here, and that’s precisely why this flop hurts so much.  We can only hope the dubious (and Verbinskiless) Pirates of the Caribbean 5 (and 6) will turn this sinking ship around.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: The plot is flat, the twists are predictable, the acting is weak, the dialogue is laughable, and the action is sporadic.  If that sounds like a winning combination to you, be my guest.

Sundae Rating: Empty cup

World War Z

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11171734_det

Director: Marc Forster

Writer: Matthew Michael Carnahan, Drew Goddard, Damon Lindelof

Based On: Novel (World War Z) by Max Brooks

Starring: Brad Pitt, Daniella Kertesz

Tomatometer: 67/71/86 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Brad Pitt’s family witnesses the beginning of the zombie apocalypse.  Luckily, Brad used to be a secret agent for the UN, so his family is rescued by the Navy.  Of course, there’s a catch.  Brad must help the government track down the source of the outbreak and develop a cure.  Brad is extremely good-looking, throughout.

Two Cents: As is stated in Ecclesiastes 1:9, there is nothing new in the zombie genre.  That’s a direct quote.

If I told you I were writing a zombie movie, you’d know the plot before I finished my sente.  There are zombies, they’re eating humans, humans need a cure, and someone finds a cure.  Warm Bodies added new life (pun intended) to the genre by telling the story from a zombie’s point of view, but that’s about all the innovation we’ve seen in some time.

Sadly, World War Z, doesn’t break the mold.  Yes, there’s some superb action, and the zombies are more terrifying than those in many other movies, but the overall product is far from unique.  That being said, it’s still an entertaining movie, and Pitt’s Gerry is a likable (though, slightly bland) character.

Forster has done a better job than most at showing the zombie apocalypse on a global scale.  Gerry does quite a bit of traveling, finding new clues and helpers along the way.  Forster also gives plenty of well-deserved props to female Israeli soldiers, the paradigm of human badassery.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: Of this year’s highly anticipated blockbusters, World War Z is one of the best, so far.  The zombies are scary, the action is solid, and there’s enough suspense to keep you entertained for 115 minutes.  If you’re looking for something groundbreaking, you won’t find it.  However, you will appreciate the care and skill that went into making one of the most entertaining and visually stunning zombie films.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops with whipped cream

Pain & Gain

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pain gain pic

Director: Michael Bay

Writer: Christopher Markus, Stephen McFeely, Pete Collins (based on magazine articles by)

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, The Rock, Anthony Mackie, Tony Shalhoub, Ed Harris, Rob Corddry

Tomatometer: 48/49/61 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Mark Wahlberg, a body-building fitness fanatic, develops an obsession with being a “doer”.  Unfortunately for Mark, his idea of being a doer involves kidnapping and robbing millionaires.  In hopes of completing his self-assigned mission, Marky Mark recruits a team of less-than-intelligent sidekicks, including Anthony Mackie, The Rock, and an objectively attractive performance artist.  Okay, she’s a smokin’ hot build-a-stripper.

Two Cents: In the words of a late-night talk show host after Nate Ruess’s band performs on his show: That was fun.  These days, few people truly stand for something.  Sure, Barack Obama stands for healthcare reform, and Justin Bieber stands for high-top sneakers, but no one stands for anything the way Michael Bay stands for mindless fun.  No, his movies haven’t been legitimately good since The Rock, but it’s scientifically impossible to walk out of a Michael Bay movie without a smile and a desire to blow something the hell up.

Pain & Gain is a true story, but you won’t believe it.  In fact, during one of the more entertaining sequences in the movie, Bay quickly pauses the action in order to remind the audience that the story is, in fact, a true one.

Mark Wahlberg is a pretty decent actor, but there was no need for him to show off his acting skills in this movie.  All he had to bring was his glistening pair of guns.  If you were wondering why Mark’s sleeves were holding on for dear life at the Oscars, now, you know why.  As the leader of the Sun Gym Gang, Mark does a masterful job of combining of brazenness, stupidity, and taking oneself way too seriously.

Anthony Mackie is dependable, as always, and The Rock is FINALLY doing exactly what he was born to do.  The Schwarzeneggerness of the three main actors is as awesome as awesome gets.  The Rock is so physically perfect, I am 83% certain that he had his old football pads implanted beneath his skin.  If I didn’t firmly believe that anyone using it deserves a punch square in the face, I would be tempted to use the word  “ridonculous” to describe The Rock’s arms and chest.

Rob Corddry, Ed Harris, Rebel Wilson, and Ken Jeong do a nice job filling out the supporting roles, but Tony Shalhoub is quite surprising.  After three dozen seasons of Monk, which were viewed by seven people, Shalhoub built a persona of being kind and awkward.  In this movie, however, he gets downright repulsive as the Sun Gym Gang’s first target.  Tony’s philosophical discussions with His Rockness are particularly entertaining.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: Take off your fedora, your indoor scarf, your summer-only winter hat, and your bow tie and sit your ass in a movie theater.  If you have the ability to admit that you like to be entertained in a non-ironic way, then you should see Pain & Gain.  It’s not a good movie.  It’s just not.  Still, the story is remarkable, and the movie is a Paula Dean-sized helping of fun.  Do you like muscles?  Do you like laughing at stupid people?  Do you like comedy?  Do you like hot strippers who have no logical place in a story, but manage to pop up quite often, anyway? Of course, you do!  Personally, I only like that stuff ironically, but that’s only because I’m cooler than you are.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops

Olympus has Fallen

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olympus fallen

Director: Antoine Fuqua

Writer: Creighton Rothenberger, Katrin Benedikt

Starring: Gerard Butler, Aaron Eckhart, Morgan Freeman, Rick Yune, Dylan McDermott

Tomatometer: 49/41/79 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Leonidas is a Secret Service superstar.  One Christmas Eve, he elects to save the President’s life, instead of letting him die.  The President gets pissed, subsequently throwing Leonidas off his detail.  Eighteen months later, with tensions rising along the North/South Korean border, the South Korean Prime Minister visits the White House, a.k.a. Olympus.  Things don’t turn out quite as planned, and Olympus falls into the hands of a terrorist.  Leonidas fills in for John McClane, who was filming something else.

Two Cents: 2013 is starting to look like 1998, 2006, and a host of other years.  You know, those years when Hollywood collectively decides XYZ is the hot, new thing, subsequently multiple movies about the ame thing.  In 1998, we watched Earth get destroyed by a giant space rock in Deep Impact, only to see mankind (except for John McClane, of all people) narrowly avoid a similar space rock-induced disaster in Armageddon less than two months later.  Similarly, in 2006, we were mesmerized by The Illusionist, the first magician-gone-bad movie in quite some time, just two months before its doppelganger, The Prestige, magically appeared at a theater near you.  With that same unbridled creativity, we welcome Olympus has Fallen, the appetizer to the main course that is White House Down.  In most cases like these, the first course is satisfactory, but inferior to the second.  (No Strings Attached (1/11) vs. Friends with Benefits (7/11)?  I rest my case.  [Fun Fact: Justin Timberlake starred {though, with his acting skills, I should probably use a different word} in FwB, but only after recording an album titled No Strings Attached with N*Sync.])  While Olympus is certainly a satisfactory action film, we’ll have to wait until June 28th to see if it can break the curse of the first-born.

Gerard Butler is a man’s man.  Sure, he plays soccer with Jessica Biel once in a while, but who wouldn’t?  Butler kicks some serious behind in this movie, but he’s a good enough actor to be taken seriously, even when the story takes a hard left toward ridiculousness.  He’s got emotion and charisma; he’s not just a The Rock with a gun, as is often the case with action stars.  Of course, this movie is about one thing – action – but Butler does a good job of keeping the viewer invested in the story, while none of the other actors/characters do much of anything.

As President Asher, Aaron Eckhart is lifeless.  As Secret Service Director Lynn Jacobs, Angela Bassett completely loses Stella’s groove.  As Agent Forbes, Dylan McDermott makes the closing argument in the case for TV stars to stick with TV.  Melissa Leo is unrecognizable as the Secretary of Defense (she won an Oscar, for crying out loud!).

During the third act, the movie actually becomes comical, ending with one of the worst closing one-liners of all time (possibly on par with the closing one-liner in Vantage Point).   Of course, I may be a bit biased here, since I once wrote a screenplay about the White House being taken over by terrorists, but at least mine was a comedy; I was willing to acknowledge the fact that the whole premise is a joke.  However, Fuqua does a good job of keeping the action going throughout the film, making the weak plot more than bearable.  Of course, that’s just putting a Bandaid on a cracked skull, but it’s a common practice (For example, this morning, on a Delta flight, I saw a man ask the flight attendant for “one of those seatbelt thing”.  A moment later, the flight attendant brought over a seatbelt extender, an extra strap and buckle to be attached to the man’s existing seatbelt, because he couldn’t fit it around his stomach.), so, I’ll give him a pass.  Furthermore, the entire film takes place in The White House, one of the most interesting buildings in the world.  I did a boatload of research about 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for my screenplay, but I still learned a bunch of cool facts from Fuqua’s film (assuming most of the “facts” are, indeed, facts and not, simply, “facts”).

By the way, I’m 98% certain that this conversation took place a few years ago:

Film Producer #1: We’re making a movie about a crisis in the White House.

Film Producer #2: We should get Morgan Freeman to play the president during a crisis.  He’s done it a million times!

Film Producer #1: We totally should.  But, is it too obvious?

Film Producer #2: I know!  Let’s pull a fast one on everyone and NOT make Morgan the president.  Instead, we’ll make him the Speaker of the House, and people will be like, “What?  You guys are geniuses!  I never saw that coming!”.  Then, five seconds into the movie, he’ll become the ACTING president!

Film Producer #1: Let’s give ourselves a raise.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: I think there’s a Constitutional amendment that makes it mandatory for Americans to see action movies involving the President of the United States.  If that’s the case, you could do worse than spend two hours in a theater with Olympus.  Although he’s chosen some mediocre material this time around, and pinched a few pennies on the special effects, Fuqua is a supremely talented director (he helped Denzel win an Oscar for Training Day) working with a usually-stellar cast.  The final product is not nearly as great as the sum of its parts, but you will be entertained by Olympus‘s action sequences, the terrorists’ intricate coup, and Butler’s ability to not suck when so much around him is sucking.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops

Snitch

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snitch

Director: Ric Roman Waugh

Writer: Justin Haythe, Ric Roman Waugh

Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Barry Pepper, Jon Bernthal, Susan Sarandon

Tomatometer: 54/54/81 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: The Rock has a son.  His name is Pebble.  Pebble, like many teenagers, is stupid enough to think teenagers can be trusted.  Unfortunately for Pebble, the person he trusts most, his best friend, Craig, is a drug dealer.  The thing about drug dealers is they often have questionable morals.  I know, right?  Who knew?  Anyway, Craig is a douche, so, he frames Pebble in order to cover his own ass.  Lucky for Pebble, his estranged father is ready and willing to help, especially if it means keeping his son from becoming someone’s girlfriend in prison.

Two Cents: With so much buzz surrounding Hollywood during the months of January and February, many people are unaware of the fact that the movies that get released during the first sixth of the year generally suck more than a turkey baster.  In the dead of winter, movie theater screens are filled with dreck that studio executives distribute early in the year, in order to make sure that those lines in their Power Point presentations have nowhere to point but upward.  Slick move, Ari Gold.  Also, they know there’s no point in releasing a decent film until March, because moviegoers use their January and February weekends to catch up on all of the Oscar-nominated pictures they haven’t yet seen.  Now, you understand why movies like Snitch get made.

I’m a fan of movie stars.  I find it comforting to know that certain actors (a term that includes actresses) will keep popping up on screens, whether they deserve to or not.  That phenomenon gives us common-folk a chance to become familiar with certain actors, watch them grow, and feel as if we are along for the rides that are their respective careers.  However, I’m also a fan of type-casting, the tendency for actors to get pigeon-holed into playing a small range of roles for long stretches of time, in numerous productions.  For example, Will Ferrell always plays the unreasonably arrogant fool.  He’s great at it, and there’s nothing wrong with that.  That’s why, even when he does a decent job in something like Stranger than Fiction, he keeps getting pulled back into projects like Anchorman 2.  Few actors have the ability to break their “type” and change the trajectory of their careers.  I, for one, am excited to see if Bradley Cooper’s Oscar-nominated performance in SIlver Linings Playbook allows him to avoid a lifetime of playing the funny douchebag.  Only time will tell.

Unfortunately for Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, most of the executives in Hollywood believe in type-casting, as well, and Johnson’s work in Snitch isn’t going to change any of their minds.  I love a good unlikely-hero-comes-to-the-rescue thriller, but I’ve always believed that the hero in such movies needs to be someone whom most people wouldn’t actually expect to save the day.  Remember how Nicholas Cage dominated life in Con Air?  That is exactly what I’m talking about.  He was a quiet, nervous family man surrounded by a dozen tough-as-nails thugs, yet he built up the courage to take control of that plane and save the gosh-darn day.  In Snitch, The Rock tries to come off as a similarly decent, keep-your-head-down-and-work-hard family man.  When stuff starts to hit the fan, he doesn’t rip off his shirt and start throwing dudes over mountains, rather he plays the vulnerable hero, who is only motivated by his love for his son.  Not a bad way to go, if his character were being portrayed by, say, Liam Neeson.  However, when the only guy in the room standing over six feet tall and benching over 300 pounds is also the only guy in the room with a puddle next to his shoes, you know someone has made a casting error.  If that same guy also still has a long way to go before he can safely be referred to as an actor, you’ve got an even bigger problem.

I can’t say I hated this movie, because it did provide me some entertainment.  I just didn’t connect to the main character, because I didn’t find him believable.  I also found the Rock issue to be exacerbated by what I call “and-casting”, the practice of placing currently popular/famous actors in the lead roles of a movie, then filling out the bit parts with formerly popular/famous (and well-respected) actors in order to give the film more legitimacy.  In other words, after they list all the lead actors during the opening credits, they’ll finish the role call with “and Paul Giamatti” (The Hangover Part II) or “with Julie Christie and Peter O’Toole” (Troy).  And-casting can be a real treat, when it brings an already impressive cast up another notch.  When the lead actors are not carrying their weight, however, and-casting doesn’t hide those flaws, rather it puts them squarely in focus.  The film would have been far better served had Susan Sarandon and (the under-appreciated) Barry Pepper been cast in lead roles, as opposed to their  inconsequential, supporting ones.  (Oh, by the way, producers, Benjamin Bratt is not worthy of an “and”, or even a “with”.  He’s just a guy.  That’s it.)

Should I/Shouldn’t I: When you see a movie that stars a man who calls himself “The Rock”, you want to see that guy kick copious amounts of derriere.  You won’t get that in Snitch.  The story doesn’t make up for the lack of action, either.  If you’re a fan of Johnson’s, you’d be better off waiting for Fast & Furious 6, which is probably going to be more fun than a barrel of monkeys.  If you’re in the mood for an action flick that involves drug dealers and family men, there are a few of those out there, as well.  Try the Bad Boys movies.

Sundae Rating: One scoop

A Good Day to Die Hard

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die hard

Director: John Moore

Writer: Skip Woods

Starring: Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney, Sebastian Koch

Tomatometer: 16/10/82 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Everyone’s favorite NYPD officer, John McClane, heads to Russia in search of his estranged son Jack, who has gotten into some trouble with the law.  Somehow, Jack has become the key witness in a trial that pits a merciless politician against a disgraced billionaire.  Needless to say, John gets caught in the middle, and explosions ensue.

Two Cents: The dialogue is terrible, the plot has more holes than the O-zone, and the acting is on par with most junior high productions of Cats.  But, it sure is fun to watch stuff blow up!  The movie is short, and a lot of the action is imaginative and exciting.  You can’t go wrong with a little John McClane on a cold winter day.  Don’t worry about learning the names of the other actors, this movie is like a Springsteen concert – it’s all about BRUUUUUUUUCE.  There’s no real connection to the other films in the series, but that’s to be expected (continue reading to find out why).

Over the past decade or so, the most common question leaking from moviegoers’ lips is some form of “Why don’t they make anything new, anymore?”.  As a movie fan, I, too, am upset by the lack of cinematic innovation flowing from Southern California.  Still, I can’t blame Hollywood for leading the Reduce, Reuse, Recycle movement.  Allow me to explain.

Picture yourself in an ice cream store.  There are two flavors available – vanilla and Super Fudge Celery Peanut Salmon Crunch.  What flavor is everyone ordering?  Unless you’ve recently experienced debilitating head trauma, you know everyone is getting vanilla.  Super Fudge Celery Peanut Salmon Crunch may be the best ice cream ever invented, but it’s going to take a lot more than a tiny spoon to convince people to try it.  Now, look at it from the scooper’s side.  He’s spent days, if not months, perfecting his new, delicious flavor of ice cream.  He’s also spent money on all of the premium ingredients that make up the final product.  Now, he needs to convince everyone who walks into his store to try the new flavor.  He scoops out thousands of baby spoonfuls, losing money each time.  Then, only a fraction of the people who taste the new flavor are willing to make a loving commitment to an entire cup or cone of Super Fudge Celery Peanut Salmon Crunch.  Can you blame them?  When you offer vanilla, it’s comforting to people.  They no what to expect, and only the worst version of vanilla would truly upset them.

Now, consider Hollywood’s state of mind.  A large movie studio – let’s use Universal – wants to produce a film.  Universal can pay a couple million dollars for a hot, new script that’s been floating around the agencies, or pay a no-name writer a few hundred thousand bucks to pen a screenplay based on existing content.  The writer already has an advantage, because he doesn’t need to introduce us to the main characters.  He can just jump right into the action.  That gets people in and out of the theater more quickly, which means more showtimes.  When it’s time to cast the movie, the work is already done. Universal has at least one star in place (thanks to contracts that lock actors in for all potential installments in a series), and often, a whole slew (e.g., the Ocean’s 11 and the Pirates of the Caribbean series), so, they don’t need to bring in any other movie stars, or a big-name director.  Then, when it’s time to market the movie, Universal can slap one catchphrase on a million billboards, and people will get the message (Yippe ki-yay…).  Plus, once they post a teaser trailer on YouTube, it is sure to go viral within minutes.  I could go on and on, but you get the point.  Universal can save millions of dollars on production and advertising, and bank on selling millions of tickets to fans of previous installments in the series.  No risk, high reward (especially if you shoot in 3-D).

Should I/Shouldn’t I: If you love action on the big screen, see this one in the theater.  It’s short, and the good stuff starts right away and never lets up.  If you’re looking for a good movie, you’re better off watching the original Die Hard a few dozen times.

Sundae Rating: One scoop of Super Fudge Celery Peanut Salmon Crunch (two scoops if you’re an action junkie)