Category Archives: Reviews

Jack the Giant Slayer

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jack giant slayer

Director: Bryan Singer

Writer: Darren Lemke, Christopher McQuarrie, Dan Studney

Starring: Nicholas Hoult, Eleanor Tomlinson, Ewan McGregor, Ian McShane, Stanley Tucci

Tomatometer: 52/50/65 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Aladdin in trees.

Jack is a poor farm boy.  Isabelle is a princess.  Jack sees Isabelle in the marketplace, and saves her from some jerk.  He’s into her.  She’s into him.  Jack comes across some magic beans.  One of the beans sprouts a skyscraping beanstalk.  Isabelle ends up in the clouds, the prisoner of the giants living at 35,000 feet.  Jack and all the king’s men try to save her.  Among the search party are the king’s creepy advisor, who plans to marry the princess and take over the kingdom, and his wacky sidekick.

Two Cents: What a mess.  This film has all the markings of a forced kids’ movie – a drawn-out and diluted classic fairytale, hot, young stars hired on the cheap, serious actors embarrassing themselves in horrible bit parts, an overload of outdated action sequences, and pointless 3D effects.

I enjoy kids’ movies more than the average adult (most likely, because I have yet to grow up).  I also love action-adventure movies.  And, to top it all off, I firmly believe that there are human-eating giants living in the clouds.  Still, I found Jack the Giant Slayer only mildly enjoyable.  What did I like?  Go, go, Gadget arms!  (Get it?  I’m reaching.)  Bill Nighy should voice every CGI villain in every movie, from here on out (although, his performance as the leader of the giants does not compare to his turn as Davy Jones in the Pirates of the Caribbean films).  Also, Tomlinson is not ugly.  Yup, that’s about it.

Where in the Constitution does it say good actors have to suck in children’s movies?  Stanley Tucci, Ian McShane, and Ewan McGregor are pretty much as good as it gets when it comes to acting chops.  However, they were all firmly outperformed by the horses in this film.  Tucci, my fellow New York City subway regular, was the most egregious offender.  His villain was not scary, menacing, manipulative, nor intriguing.  He was simply awkward.

Bryan Singer did such a great job with the first two X-Men movies (plus, he directed The Usual Suspects!), and I was hoping to see the same grit and action in this film.  Unfortunately, the characters were about as deep as the river in Robin Hood: Men in Tights, and the action was less thrilling than a Chanel No.5 commercial.  I’m hoping Singer’s (and Hoult’s) imminent return to Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters will prove a more fruitful endeavor.

Should I/Shouldn’t I:  Young folks might enjoy this movie, as it provides some clean fun and a large helping of things children love – kings, princesses, magic, knights, etc.  However, if you’re old enough to remember Y2K, I’m sure you can find a more useful way to spend your time.  Frolf, anyone?

Sundae Rating: One scoop

21 & Over

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21 and over

Director: Jon Lucas, Scott Moore

Writer: Jon Lucas, Scott Moore

Starring: Miles Teller, Skylar Astin, Justin Chon

Tomatometer: 30/32/67 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Miller, Casey, and JeffChang, three former high school besties, are all about to graduate from different colleges.  Having lost touch over the years, Miller and Casey decide to get the band back together in celebration of JeffChang’s long-awaited 21st birthday.  Unfortunately for JeffChang, he’s got an important interview for medical school the following morning.  Fortunately for JeffChang, Miller won’t take “No” for an answer.  Unfortunately for JeffChang, Miller and Casey (who, somehow, got into Stanford) are morons (the lovable kind).

Two Cents: We’ve finally made it to March!  That means good movies are on their respective ways to theaters.  You know how people say the first few years of a certain decade are actually part of the one before it?  For example, 1992 was part of the 1980s.  Well, trust me, that’s a thing.  As it turns out, the first weekend in March is actually part of February.  So, we’ll have to wait a few more days for something truly theater-worthy.  (Hopefully, “Oz the Great and Powerful” will actually be great.)  But, I digress.

I’ll preface this section with the following disclaimer:

DISCLAIMER: I love movies about high school and/or college kids.  Although I had a fantastic time in my formative years, I’d be lying if I said there weren’t quite a few things for which I’d like to be granted a do-over.  Movies in this genre have a knack for making me feel like I’m living the exciting and carefree life of a take-life-by-the-horns teenager.  Although I don’t have much regret (there’s definitely some) about those years of my life, it’s quite a thrill to relive that stage of my existence, even if only for 90 minutes.

The first thing that drew me to the theater for 21 and Over was the fact that it was paying at a convenient time in a convenient theater.  The other was the cast.  While I wouldn’t say I’m a fan of Teller’s or Astin’s, I was very excited to them team up, as each played a supporting role in one of my favorite movies of 2012.  (Teller played the college baseball stud in Project X, and Astin played Anna Kendrick’s love interest in Pitch Perfect.) I was pleasantly surprised by their chemistry, and they made me laugh at least  six times.  Neither one will be a bona fide movie star anytime soon, but I would have no problem seeing them pop up in more movies.  I liked Teller’s performance more, but I don’t fault Astin for carving out a corner of the boring-nice-guy market in Hollywood (that trick has worked wonders for the careers of Mark Ruffalo and Keanu Reeves, to name a few).

This movie struggled with an issue that I’ve encountered in my own writing: Is there such a thing as too many movie references?  Undoubtedly, the answer is “YES!”.  Yet, we all love a good homage to our favorite films, as well as the thrill of picking up on a reference that flew over everyone else’s collective head.  This movie evokes Animal House, Can’t Hardly Wait, Beerfest, and even a hint of Van Wilder (one of my personal favorites).  The writer/directors certainly flirt with the line, but I don’t think they pass it.  I enjoyed the references, and I think they added some humor to the otherwise mediocre script (although, that’s a lazy tactic).

The supporting characters in 21 and Over are definitely there, but that’s about all I can say about them.  Miller, Casey, and JeffChang are the only characters that really get developed, but JeffChang doesn’t do much.  It was great to see Sarah Wright back in action (she starred in a short-lived, but underrated, series called The Loop a while back, when her name was Sarah Mason) as Casey’s love interest, but she’s no star.  There were a few characters that were just begging to be the Mr. Chow of the film, but none of them came close.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: 21 and Over has the moral of a One Direction song, and, at times, the uncomfortable seriousness of one of the band’s members calling himself an “artist”.  Nevertheless, I had fun watching this movie.  I liked the characters enough to root for them, and the shenanigans were often funny.  It’s not as good as Project X (not even close), but it’s better than College (which I didn’t hate).  If you need to be in a movie theater this week, you could do worse.  If you can hold out, wait for it to hit HBO.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops

Snitch

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snitch

Director: Ric Roman Waugh

Writer: Justin Haythe, Ric Roman Waugh

Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Barry Pepper, Jon Bernthal, Susan Sarandon

Tomatometer: 54/54/81 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: The Rock has a son.  His name is Pebble.  Pebble, like many teenagers, is stupid enough to think teenagers can be trusted.  Unfortunately for Pebble, the person he trusts most, his best friend, Craig, is a drug dealer.  The thing about drug dealers is they often have questionable morals.  I know, right?  Who knew?  Anyway, Craig is a douche, so, he frames Pebble in order to cover his own ass.  Lucky for Pebble, his estranged father is ready and willing to help, especially if it means keeping his son from becoming someone’s girlfriend in prison.

Two Cents: With so much buzz surrounding Hollywood during the months of January and February, many people are unaware of the fact that the movies that get released during the first sixth of the year generally suck more than a turkey baster.  In the dead of winter, movie theater screens are filled with dreck that studio executives distribute early in the year, in order to make sure that those lines in their Power Point presentations have nowhere to point but upward.  Slick move, Ari Gold.  Also, they know there’s no point in releasing a decent film until March, because moviegoers use their January and February weekends to catch up on all of the Oscar-nominated pictures they haven’t yet seen.  Now, you understand why movies like Snitch get made.

I’m a fan of movie stars.  I find it comforting to know that certain actors (a term that includes actresses) will keep popping up on screens, whether they deserve to or not.  That phenomenon gives us common-folk a chance to become familiar with certain actors, watch them grow, and feel as if we are along for the rides that are their respective careers.  However, I’m also a fan of type-casting, the tendency for actors to get pigeon-holed into playing a small range of roles for long stretches of time, in numerous productions.  For example, Will Ferrell always plays the unreasonably arrogant fool.  He’s great at it, and there’s nothing wrong with that.  That’s why, even when he does a decent job in something like Stranger than Fiction, he keeps getting pulled back into projects like Anchorman 2.  Few actors have the ability to break their “type” and change the trajectory of their careers.  I, for one, am excited to see if Bradley Cooper’s Oscar-nominated performance in SIlver Linings Playbook allows him to avoid a lifetime of playing the funny douchebag.  Only time will tell.

Unfortunately for Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, most of the executives in Hollywood believe in type-casting, as well, and Johnson’s work in Snitch isn’t going to change any of their minds.  I love a good unlikely-hero-comes-to-the-rescue thriller, but I’ve always believed that the hero in such movies needs to be someone whom most people wouldn’t actually expect to save the day.  Remember how Nicholas Cage dominated life in Con Air?  That is exactly what I’m talking about.  He was a quiet, nervous family man surrounded by a dozen tough-as-nails thugs, yet he built up the courage to take control of that plane and save the gosh-darn day.  In Snitch, The Rock tries to come off as a similarly decent, keep-your-head-down-and-work-hard family man.  When stuff starts to hit the fan, he doesn’t rip off his shirt and start throwing dudes over mountains, rather he plays the vulnerable hero, who is only motivated by his love for his son.  Not a bad way to go, if his character were being portrayed by, say, Liam Neeson.  However, when the only guy in the room standing over six feet tall and benching over 300 pounds is also the only guy in the room with a puddle next to his shoes, you know someone has made a casting error.  If that same guy also still has a long way to go before he can safely be referred to as an actor, you’ve got an even bigger problem.

I can’t say I hated this movie, because it did provide me some entertainment.  I just didn’t connect to the main character, because I didn’t find him believable.  I also found the Rock issue to be exacerbated by what I call “and-casting”, the practice of placing currently popular/famous actors in the lead roles of a movie, then filling out the bit parts with formerly popular/famous (and well-respected) actors in order to give the film more legitimacy.  In other words, after they list all the lead actors during the opening credits, they’ll finish the role call with “and Paul Giamatti” (The Hangover Part II) or “with Julie Christie and Peter O’Toole” (Troy).  And-casting can be a real treat, when it brings an already impressive cast up another notch.  When the lead actors are not carrying their weight, however, and-casting doesn’t hide those flaws, rather it puts them squarely in focus.  The film would have been far better served had Susan Sarandon and (the under-appreciated) Barry Pepper been cast in lead roles, as opposed to their  inconsequential, supporting ones.  (Oh, by the way, producers, Benjamin Bratt is not worthy of an “and”, or even a “with”.  He’s just a guy.  That’s it.)

Should I/Shouldn’t I: When you see a movie that stars a man who calls himself “The Rock”, you want to see that guy kick copious amounts of derriere.  You won’t get that in Snitch.  The story doesn’t make up for the lack of action, either.  If you’re a fan of Johnson’s, you’d be better off waiting for Fast & Furious 6, which is probably going to be more fun than a barrel of monkeys.  If you’re in the mood for an action flick that involves drug dealers and family men, there are a few of those out there, as well.  Try the Bad Boys movies.

Sundae Rating: One scoop

A Good Day to Die Hard

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die hard

Director: John Moore

Writer: Skip Woods

Starring: Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney, Sebastian Koch

Tomatometer: 16/10/82 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Everyone’s favorite NYPD officer, John McClane, heads to Russia in search of his estranged son Jack, who has gotten into some trouble with the law.  Somehow, Jack has become the key witness in a trial that pits a merciless politician against a disgraced billionaire.  Needless to say, John gets caught in the middle, and explosions ensue.

Two Cents: The dialogue is terrible, the plot has more holes than the O-zone, and the acting is on par with most junior high productions of Cats.  But, it sure is fun to watch stuff blow up!  The movie is short, and a lot of the action is imaginative and exciting.  You can’t go wrong with a little John McClane on a cold winter day.  Don’t worry about learning the names of the other actors, this movie is like a Springsteen concert – it’s all about BRUUUUUUUUCE.  There’s no real connection to the other films in the series, but that’s to be expected (continue reading to find out why).

Over the past decade or so, the most common question leaking from moviegoers’ lips is some form of “Why don’t they make anything new, anymore?”.  As a movie fan, I, too, am upset by the lack of cinematic innovation flowing from Southern California.  Still, I can’t blame Hollywood for leading the Reduce, Reuse, Recycle movement.  Allow me to explain.

Picture yourself in an ice cream store.  There are two flavors available – vanilla and Super Fudge Celery Peanut Salmon Crunch.  What flavor is everyone ordering?  Unless you’ve recently experienced debilitating head trauma, you know everyone is getting vanilla.  Super Fudge Celery Peanut Salmon Crunch may be the best ice cream ever invented, but it’s going to take a lot more than a tiny spoon to convince people to try it.  Now, look at it from the scooper’s side.  He’s spent days, if not months, perfecting his new, delicious flavor of ice cream.  He’s also spent money on all of the premium ingredients that make up the final product.  Now, he needs to convince everyone who walks into his store to try the new flavor.  He scoops out thousands of baby spoonfuls, losing money each time.  Then, only a fraction of the people who taste the new flavor are willing to make a loving commitment to an entire cup or cone of Super Fudge Celery Peanut Salmon Crunch.  Can you blame them?  When you offer vanilla, it’s comforting to people.  They no what to expect, and only the worst version of vanilla would truly upset them.

Now, consider Hollywood’s state of mind.  A large movie studio – let’s use Universal – wants to produce a film.  Universal can pay a couple million dollars for a hot, new script that’s been floating around the agencies, or pay a no-name writer a few hundred thousand bucks to pen a screenplay based on existing content.  The writer already has an advantage, because he doesn’t need to introduce us to the main characters.  He can just jump right into the action.  That gets people in and out of the theater more quickly, which means more showtimes.  When it’s time to cast the movie, the work is already done. Universal has at least one star in place (thanks to contracts that lock actors in for all potential installments in a series), and often, a whole slew (e.g., the Ocean’s 11 and the Pirates of the Caribbean series), so, they don’t need to bring in any other movie stars, or a big-name director.  Then, when it’s time to market the movie, Universal can slap one catchphrase on a million billboards, and people will get the message (Yippe ki-yay…).  Plus, once they post a teaser trailer on YouTube, it is sure to go viral within minutes.  I could go on and on, but you get the point.  Universal can save millions of dollars on production and advertising, and bank on selling millions of tickets to fans of previous installments in the series.  No risk, high reward (especially if you shoot in 3-D).

Should I/Shouldn’t I: If you love action on the big screen, see this one in the theater.  It’s short, and the good stuff starts right away and never lets up.  If you’re looking for a good movie, you’re better off watching the original Die Hard a few dozen times.

Sundae Rating: One scoop of Super Fudge Celery Peanut Salmon Crunch (two scoops if you’re an action junkie)

Warm Bodies

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Image

Director: Jonathan Levine

Writer: Jonathan Levine

Based On: Novel (Warm Bodies) by Isaac Marion

Starring: Nicholas Hoult, Teresa Palmer, John Malkovich, Rob Corddry

Tomatometer: 78/65/82 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: I had a feeling Nicholas Hoult was brain-dead.  What other excuse could he have for breaking up with Jennifer Lawrence?  As it turns out, he’s just regular dead (no heartbeat), but his brain still works.  Hoult’s character, R, is a miserable zombie who desperately wants to rejoin the human race.  His life is boring, he hasn’t quite gotten used to eating human flesh, and his only meaningful relationship consists of a few daily grunts exchanged with Rob Corddry’s M.  Enter Julie, a stunner from (possibly) Earth’s final remaining human settlement.  As Hoult begins to fall for Julie, played by Aussie beauty Palmer, he finds himself slowly regaining his humanity.  Unfortunately, he’s got to prove himself to Julie, who just happens to be the daughter of the de facto King of the human race, a zombie-hating John Malkovich.

Two Cents: We all know that the paranormal romance genre is getting a bit (read: extremely) out of hand.  However, I found it refreshing to see a fresh take on the concept of human hottie falls for non-human hottie against all odds.  This film was so different, and so self-deprecating (including a sarcastic comparison with Romeo and Juliet), that I didn’t mind the whole zombie thing at all.  Seeing the apocalypse from the POV of a zombie was interesting, as well, especially a zombie who still has an appreciation for great music (on vinyl).

Hoult is about to become a huge star (and he might be able to make his success longer than Taylor Kitsch’s did), so take notice.  He’ll be appearing in Jack the Giant Slayer and the next X-Men movie (along with his old flame, J-Law).  Palmer may just be the flavor of the week, but she’s got some talent, and a face that can put butts in seats (imagine a much better looking Kristen Stewart, plus a sweet accent).  I keep asking myself how the heck John Malkovich ended up in this movie, but I’m not complaining.  Now that he barely makes any movies, it’s always nice to get a glimpse of him.  I was hoping for a little more humor than I got from Rob Corddry, but it was nice to see him take on one of his more challenging roles.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: Feel free to wait for this movie to hit HBO.  Once it does, romance and rom-com fans will eat it up.  Comedy and action fans will not find much of that for which they are hoping.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops with whipped cream