Category Archives: Reviews

Pain & Gain

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pain gain pic

Director: Michael Bay

Writer: Christopher Markus, Stephen McFeely, Pete Collins (based on magazine articles by)

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, The Rock, Anthony Mackie, Tony Shalhoub, Ed Harris, Rob Corddry

Tomatometer: 48/49/61 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Mark Wahlberg, a body-building fitness fanatic, develops an obsession with being a “doer”.  Unfortunately for Mark, his idea of being a doer involves kidnapping and robbing millionaires.  In hopes of completing his self-assigned mission, Marky Mark recruits a team of less-than-intelligent sidekicks, including Anthony Mackie, The Rock, and an objectively attractive performance artist.  Okay, she’s a smokin’ hot build-a-stripper.

Two Cents: In the words of a late-night talk show host after Nate Ruess’s band performs on his show: That was fun.  These days, few people truly stand for something.  Sure, Barack Obama stands for healthcare reform, and Justin Bieber stands for high-top sneakers, but no one stands for anything the way Michael Bay stands for mindless fun.  No, his movies haven’t been legitimately good since The Rock, but it’s scientifically impossible to walk out of a Michael Bay movie without a smile and a desire to blow something the hell up.

Pain & Gain is a true story, but you won’t believe it.  In fact, during one of the more entertaining sequences in the movie, Bay quickly pauses the action in order to remind the audience that the story is, in fact, a true one.

Mark Wahlberg is a pretty decent actor, but there was no need for him to show off his acting skills in this movie.  All he had to bring was his glistening pair of guns.  If you were wondering why Mark’s sleeves were holding on for dear life at the Oscars, now, you know why.  As the leader of the Sun Gym Gang, Mark does a masterful job of combining of brazenness, stupidity, and taking oneself way too seriously.

Anthony Mackie is dependable, as always, and The Rock is FINALLY doing exactly what he was born to do.  The Schwarzeneggerness of the three main actors is as awesome as awesome gets.  The Rock is so physically perfect, I am 83% certain that he had his old football pads implanted beneath his skin.  If I didn’t firmly believe that anyone using it deserves a punch square in the face, I would be tempted to use the word  “ridonculous” to describe The Rock’s arms and chest.

Rob Corddry, Ed Harris, Rebel Wilson, and Ken Jeong do a nice job filling out the supporting roles, but Tony Shalhoub is quite surprising.  After three dozen seasons of Monk, which were viewed by seven people, Shalhoub built a persona of being kind and awkward.  In this movie, however, he gets downright repulsive as the Sun Gym Gang’s first target.  Tony’s philosophical discussions with His Rockness are particularly entertaining.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: Take off your fedora, your indoor scarf, your summer-only winter hat, and your bow tie and sit your ass in a movie theater.  If you have the ability to admit that you like to be entertained in a non-ironic way, then you should see Pain & Gain.  It’s not a good movie.  It’s just not.  Still, the story is remarkable, and the movie is a Paula Dean-sized helping of fun.  Do you like muscles?  Do you like laughing at stupid people?  Do you like comedy?  Do you like hot strippers who have no logical place in a story, but manage to pop up quite often, anyway? Of course, you do!  Personally, I only like that stuff ironically, but that’s only because I’m cooler than you are.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops

Disconnect

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disconnect

Director: Henry Alex Rubin

Writer: Andrew Stern

Starring: Jason Bateman, Hope Davis, Frank Grillo, Paula Patton, Andrea Riseborough, Alexander Skarsgård, Max Thieriot, Colin Ford, Jonah Bobo

Tomatometer: 71/71/83 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: People of all ages reach out to strangers over the Internet, as they struggle to connect with the people in their lives.  In one story arc, a couple of douchebag teenagers bully a third over Facebook.  In another, an estranged couple, dealing with the loss of a child, has their identity stolen.  In the final arc, a webcam model contemplates the possible ramifications for participating in a televised interview about his profession.

Two Cents: The most important lesson you can possibly learn during your time on this planet: If you receive a friend request on Facebook from a person whose profile picture shows a sexy, half-nude girl, do not confirm the friendship.  That person is neither sexy, nor a girl.  And, your organs will be sold on Craigslist.  Or, even worse, Angie’s List.

The second-most important lesson you can possibly learn during your time on this planet: Never divulge your credit card information over the Internet, unless you are purchasing goods and/or services from a merchant with who you have previously done business.  Or, in some situations, a very tempting pornography website.  Your credit card statement will be littered with payments for yachts, jewelry, ferrets, and other exotic toys.  Sadly, no, Visa doesn’t care.  In fact, you deserve to be punished for not purchasing two ferrets!  You think you’re the only one who craves companionship?!

And, finally, the third-most important lesson you can possibly learn during your time on this planet: Do not, under any circumstances, take, save, or share pictures of yourself in the nude.  You will regret it, your parents will find out, and you do not look as good as you think you do. No matter your race, creed, nationality, age, gender, socioeconomic status, or sexual preference, always – ALWAYS – send a picture of Brad Pitt, instead.

Disconnect is a timely warning about the dangers of partaking in the social media revolution without taking necessary precautions.  There are two dangers that exist online.  The first, of course, is the risk of sharing too much information, and subsequently, the inability to limit the extent to which that information is shared with other parties.  Sharing information digitally can ruin your credit, your reputation, and your future.  The second danger that lurks along ethernet cables and WiFi routers is loss of reality.  Every second you spend online is a second you are not spending with a real person (or a real cat!).  Everyone needs an escape, once in a while, but it is important to remember that there are people around you who appreciate your presence and attention more than SexxxQween69 appreciates your desperate compliments.

The script is not great (I read it about five years ago), but the cast does a great job with it.  Alexander Skarsgård continues to climb up the ranks, Frank Grillo is inching closer to becoming a household name, and Jonah Bobo makes it clear he’ll be around for a while (he barely speaks, but he turns in the film’s most impressive performance).  Rubin does an impressive job of weaving the various story arcs together, without forcing them to overlap too much.  You might find yourself blaming the characters for their carelessness and brazenness, but you’ll be rooting for them, because you’ll recognize that they’re only making your mistakes.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: Disconnect is not the universe-altering wakeup call it hopes to be, but it’s a fair representation of the dangers that exist in our social-centric world.  It’s the kind of movie that is enjoyable, but will also make you think for a few seconds, once the credits start rolling.  Don’t tear an ACL running to the theater for this one, but make sure to earmark it for VOD, especially if you’re a parent of teens or tweens.  It will help cement that “All people are horrible! Never trust your friends, or anyone else!  Eat your vegetables!” speech you’ve been giving, but it won’t be as depressing as those texting-while-driving commercials.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops

The Croods

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croods

Director: Kirk De Micco, Chris Sanders

Writer: Kirk De Micco, Chris Sanders, John Cleese (story by)

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Emma Stone, Ryan Reynolds, Catherine Keener, Cloris Leachman, Clark Duke, Chris Sanders, Randy Thom

Tomatometer: 68/70/84 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: The Croods live in a cave.  That is all they ever do.  When Pangea starts to split, they are forced to venture out of their cave and into the great unknown.  (The historical accuracy is questionable.)

Two Cents: There are two Hollywoods in the United States.  No, I’m not talking about Hollywood, Florida.  One Hollywood makes movies.  The other Hollywood makes animated movies.  How can the two sides of one industry be so different from each other?  Hollywood produces way too many movies and has pathetically low quality standards.  Animated Hollywood, on the other hand, produces a movie or two each month, rarely lowering its mesmerizingly high quality standards.

I’d be willing to bet two slices of really good pizza that you’ve seen a terrible movie in the last year.  But, when was the last time you saw a terrible animated movie?  The last one I hated was My Little Pony from 1986, and that’s only because I was once trampled by a pink horse with sparkly blue hair.  All I’m trying to say is that The Croods is nowhere near the top of the list of the best animated movies of the last five years, yet it is a darn good movie.

The moral of The Croods is that creativity breeds progress, and anything other than progress should be considered regression.  That was certainly a valuable lesson back when supermarkets only sold leftover mammoth carcass, and, in many respects, it still holds true today.  Just imagine how many of us would already be dead if Alexander Fleming had thought, “I think we’re all good on the medicine front”.

The cast of this movie is quite small, but each of its members does a bang up job.  (Not that any of the roles is particularly challenging.)  Nicolas Cage can be a bit of a dolt in live-action movies, but that works perfectly here, as he plays Grug, a primitive and cowardly caveman.  He’s actually good enough that you might not even notice it’s him, if you didn’t already know he’s in the movie.

Emma Stone is a rising star, and she doesn’t disappoint as Cage’s daughter, Eep.  Ryan Reynolds shines as Guy, a charismatic loner with loads of “ideas” (you’ll get it when you see it).  The cast is rounded out by Clark Duke, who plays Clark on The Office, Cloris Leachman, who is known to sip some ram’s piss every now and again, and Catherine Keener, from whom Jonah Hill once tried to purchase these.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: The Croods isn’t as funny as you want it to be, but it will make you laugh.  It’s not going to win next year’s Best Animated Feature Oscar, but it will get some consideration.  There’s nothing mind-blowing here, but you’ll definitely enjoy this movie more than you would most of the other muck currently in theaters.  In other words, walk, don’t run, to see The Croods; you’ll enjoy it, and you’ll get some exercise, too.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops

42

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42 poster

 

HAPPY JACKIE ROBINSON DAY!

Director: Brian Helgeland

Writer: Brian Helgeland

Starring: Chadwick Boseman, Harrison Ford

Tomatometer: 76/70/89 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: This one isn’t spoiler-free, but I don’t feel bad about it.  Branch Rickey, owner of the Brooklyn Dodgers, helps Jackie Robinson, a young athlete from California, become the first African American to play in Major League Baseball.

Two Cents: Racism is so uncool.

Obviously, Jackie Robinson’s is one of the great stories in American sports history.  As such, there wasn’t really much of a chance for this movie to disappoint.  Still, I applaud Brian Helgeland for taking on the incredible burden of telling such a monumental story.

In general, Helgeland does a wonderful job, handling Robinson’s journey with respect and admiration.  However, I am disappointed with certain aspects of the movie.

For the first hour or so, I couldn’t help but wonder why no character was saying anything inappropriate to Jackie Robinson.  Sure, there were a few stink-eyes, and a slur here or there, but there was nothing that seemed “authentic”.  I don’t want to use the word “thankfully”, so, I’ll say…Appropriately, the racism picks up, halfway through the movie.

I understand that Branch Rickey was a great man, and a champion for civil rights.  In Helgeland’s version of the story, though, Rickey is portrayed as the true hero of the story, instead of Robinson.  Unfortunately, there’s no question that it took a white man to desegregate baseball, but I don’t think it’s fair to compare Rickey’s role in  the phenomenon to Robinson’s.  After all, Rickey makes no effort (at least, during the portion of his life that is covered in this film) to desegregate the bleachers of Ebbets Field.  It just feels wrong to make a white man the hero of a black man’s experience with segregation.  To his credit, though, Helgeland does acknowledge that Rickey (and other MLB owners) had quite a bit of money to gain from desegregating baseball, thereby admitting that, in addition to being a moralist, Rickey was just your average capitalist.

One element in the Jackie Robinson saga, which I found sorely lacking in Helgeland’s film, is the most important element of all – Robinson’s legacy.  Helgeland spends only a few seconds touching on two other African Americans who joined Robinson on the Dodgers in 1948 and 1949.  At no point does Helgeland mention Willie Mays, Ken Griffey, Jr., or any of the other baseball superstars of whom we’d never have heard, had it not been for Robinson’s bravery.  A few statistics, or even a list of names, before the end credits would go a long way.

The acting in this movie is not particularly noteworthy, as Chadwick Boseman and Harrison Ford are really the only actors with a considerable amount of screen time.  Each lead actor does a good job, although, at times, Ford’s portrayal of Rickey crosses the line between acting and impersonation.

Side Note: If you love spotting actors from other movies and television shows, this film is a gold mine.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: I realize I’ve been harping on the negative, a tad, but this movie is very good.  The story is well-known, but you’ll certainly learn something knew about an incredible man and athlete.  If you’re looking for a movie with the triumph and exhilaration of Remember the Titans or Miracle, you won’t find that here, as it’s difficult to capture Robinson’s success in one victorious moment.  You will, however, be uplifted by the courageous and exemplary life of Jackie Robinson.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops with whipped cream

The Company You Keep

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company you keep

Director: Robert Redford

Writer: Lem Dobbs

Based On: Novel (The Company You Keep) by Neil Gordon

Starring: Robert Redford, Shia LaBeouf, Julie Christie, Susan Sarandon, Nick Nolte, Chris Cooper, Terrence Howard, Stanley Tucci, Richard Jenkins, Anna Kendrick, Brendan Gleeson, Brit Marling, Sam Elliott, Stephen Root, Jackie Evancho

Tomatometer: 55/53/54 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: There was once a war called “The Vietnam War”. Over time, legend has lost the meaning behind the name, but it was certainly coined by some highly creative thinkers.  During the war, certain groups of Americans, some peaceful and some militant, protested America’s involvement in the war.  One of those groups, Weather Underground, was responsible for a bank robbery, during which a security officer was killed.  Thirty years later, one of the two people responsible for the murder (Sarandon) turns herself in to the FBI.  A young reporter uncovers the identity of the second person responsible for the murder.  That second dude spends the remainder of the movie running away from the FBI.

Two Cents: This movie starts out with two attributes, one good and one fantastic.  The good attribute is the movie’s premise.  It has the makings of a suspenseful thriller, filled with twists, turns, and psychological warfare between professional criminals and professional criminal-catchers.  The fantastic attribute is the cast that Redford gathered for this adventure.  As you can see from the “Starring” section above, the credits for this movie read like those of a Scary Movie movie, only with talented talent.  If you are between the ages of 20 and 80 and you’re not in this movie, you either suck, or had a really important bar mitzvah to attend.  Sadly, the story doesn’t deliver on its premise, and much of the cast is wasted on small, insignificant roles.

Once Redford begins his escape from the FBI, we end up just following some guy as he runs down a checklist of somebodies that he used to know.  None of them is particularly interesting, and none contributes greatly to the story.  Furthermore, based on Redford’s lack of urgency throughout the film, it’s hard to believe that his character really cares what the others have to say.  It feels more like he’s visiting them just to say, “It’s been 30 years, old pal, but look how freaking sexy I still am!”. And, let’s be honest, Robert Redford In A Baseball Hat looks a hell of a lot like Robert Redford.

Shia LaBeouf is still trying to find his niche.  I have loved him ever since his days on Even Stevens.  In fact, years ago, I pegged him as the next Tom Hanks, only to find a Vanity Fair article, months later, in which Steve Spielberg said the exact same thing about Mr. LaBeouf.  I believe he has immense potential to become one of the great actors of this generation.  However, he seems to have hit a wall.  In this movie, he plays an eager newspaper reporter trying to uncover the mystery surrounding the bank robbery, all while staying one step ahead of the FBI.  Lucky for Shia, each person he meets is willing to spill decades-old secrets, as long as the nice reporter boy asks twice.  I remember when reporters in movies were badass because they drank bottles of Jack and beat the snot out of their sources.  Now, they’re badass because they don’t use Twitter on a regular basis.

I’ve been trying to hold my tongue, because I feel uncomfortable speaking ill of a young child.  However, my tongue refuses to be held any longer.  Jackie Evancho, you are the worst actress in the history of the world!  Bernie Lomax has more charisma than you do, and your performance is as believable as a virtuous and disease-free pornstar.  Good job on America’s Got Talent, though.  Is Nick Cannon really as down-to-Earth as he seems to be?

Although I don’t believe they were properly utilized, I will never complain about seeing Brendan Gleeson, Julie Christie, Anna Kendrick (one of my favorite young actresses), Nick Nolte (How good was he in Warrior?), Richard Jenkins, or Chris Cooper.  (Unfortunately, I can’t say I’d “never” complain about Susan Sarandon or Stanley Tucci.)  I don’t always love Terrence Howard, but there’s no bad blood between us.  Are there better (or more recognizable) character actors than Stephen Root or Sam Elliott?  You’ll recognize Root as the gay vampire from True Blood and the unfortunate soul who had his stapler stolen in Office Space.  Of course, Elliott is known as The Stranger from The Big Lebowski and the voice for Coors beer and Ram trucks.

I’ve been a fan of Redford’s directing in the past (A River Runs Through It, Quiz Show, The Legend of Bagger Vance), but he’s not exactly on a hot streak when it comes to choosing material.  Pick it up, Bobby, or people are going to assume you’re dead.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: There’s really no reason for you to see this movie. If you’re looking for a thrilling plot, you’ll be disappointed.  If you’re mesmerized by the wattage of this incredible cast, you’re better off waiting for Ocean’s 14.  If you fell in love with Jackie Evancho on AGT, she doesn’t sing (nor act, for that matter).  If you can’t get enough Robert Redford, rent The Natural, again (But, fast-forward the parts with Glenn Close.  Blech.).

Sundae Rating: One scoop

The Place Beyond the Pines

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Director: Derek Cianfrance

Writer: Derek Cianfrance, Ben Coccio, Darius Marder

Starring: Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper, Eva Mendez, Rose Byrne, Ray Liotta

Tomatometer: 73/63/83 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Ryan Gosling is a stunt motorcyclist.  As it turns out, he’s got a son.  Hoping to get himself on a the straight and narrow, Ryan decides to start robbing banks.  Makes sense.  Unfortunately for Ryan, Bradley Cooper is a dedicated (and moral) cop with a bit of an ego.

Two Cents: It’s official.  Ryan Gosling and Bradley Cooper are the real deal.  For The Pines, they teamed up with Cianfrance, an up-and-coming director who previously worked with Gosling on Blue Valentine.  (As you may recall, Michelle Williams earned an Oscar nomination for her performance in Blue Valentine, but many were outraged over Gosling’s snub for his.)  It’s easy to see that Cianfrance has a knack for creating incredibly deep characters and making a simple story seem monumental.  I’m willing to bet an entire bag of Doritos that he’ll be nominated for a Best Director Oscar for one of his next two films.  Of course, a director is only as good as his actors allow him to be, and Derek lucked out with his cast.

Gosling may have walked directly off the set of Drive and into the role of Luke, a dark loner of a stuntman.  His blond hair doesn’t look natural, but everything else about his performance sure does.  He has the power to make the audience fall for Luke, despite the motorcyclist’s unsavory personality.  Too bad Gosling is planning to take a break from acting.

Bradley Cooper has further solidified his position at the top of my personal man-crush list.  His talent is undeniable, and he continues to make excellent career choices.  I’m sure the third installment of the Hangover trilogy will be a bit of a pothole, but it should allow Cooper to add another hot tub to his deck.  When I first heard Cooper was doing a movie called The Place Beyond the Pines, I thought it would be more like this, but I’ll get over it.

Eva Mendes is not awesome.  But, in The Pines, she ain’t half bad.  Kudos to you, Ryan’s girlfriend.  I’m still not sure why Wardrobe didn’t provide you with a brassiere, though.

Ray Liotta, one of my favorite a-hole actors, was a very wise choice for a character that was probably originally named Ray Liotta.

Rose Byrne was the weak link in the cast, but that’s not a jab at her.  She’s been cast here, at least, in part, for her face.  She’s just not on the same talent level as the other actors.

Two of the great supporting performances were turned in by Emory Cohen and Dane DeHaan.  I wasn’t previously familiar with Cohen, but DeHaan has been building a nice little résumé for himself, most notably as Andrew in last year’s Chronicle.  (Watch it.)

A couple of infants was cast in supporting roles, but I wasn’t very impressed with their work.  I don’t foresee much stardom for either baby.  One of them actually had a very off-putting arrogance about himself, as if he’s the best baby ever.  I beg to differ.  He was an average baby, at best.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: If you’ve been waiting for the first truly impressive movie of 2013, you haven’t seen Spring Breakers.  If you’re looking for a more conventional plot line, then The Place Beyond the Pines is the movie you’ve been waiting for.  No, I don’t see it getting any Oscar nominations, but, had it been released in December, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear it get some nice buzz.  It’s a simple story, but it’s got loads of heart.  You may not remember this movie two years from now, but, for a few months, you’ll be very glad you saw it.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops with whipped cream

Olympus has Fallen

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olympus fallen

Director: Antoine Fuqua

Writer: Creighton Rothenberger, Katrin Benedikt

Starring: Gerard Butler, Aaron Eckhart, Morgan Freeman, Rick Yune, Dylan McDermott

Tomatometer: 49/41/79 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Leonidas is a Secret Service superstar.  One Christmas Eve, he elects to save the President’s life, instead of letting him die.  The President gets pissed, subsequently throwing Leonidas off his detail.  Eighteen months later, with tensions rising along the North/South Korean border, the South Korean Prime Minister visits the White House, a.k.a. Olympus.  Things don’t turn out quite as planned, and Olympus falls into the hands of a terrorist.  Leonidas fills in for John McClane, who was filming something else.

Two Cents: 2013 is starting to look like 1998, 2006, and a host of other years.  You know, those years when Hollywood collectively decides XYZ is the hot, new thing, subsequently multiple movies about the ame thing.  In 1998, we watched Earth get destroyed by a giant space rock in Deep Impact, only to see mankind (except for John McClane, of all people) narrowly avoid a similar space rock-induced disaster in Armageddon less than two months later.  Similarly, in 2006, we were mesmerized by The Illusionist, the first magician-gone-bad movie in quite some time, just two months before its doppelganger, The Prestige, magically appeared at a theater near you.  With that same unbridled creativity, we welcome Olympus has Fallen, the appetizer to the main course that is White House Down.  In most cases like these, the first course is satisfactory, but inferior to the second.  (No Strings Attached (1/11) vs. Friends with Benefits (7/11)?  I rest my case.  [Fun Fact: Justin Timberlake starred {though, with his acting skills, I should probably use a different word} in FwB, but only after recording an album titled No Strings Attached with N*Sync.])  While Olympus is certainly a satisfactory action film, we’ll have to wait until June 28th to see if it can break the curse of the first-born.

Gerard Butler is a man’s man.  Sure, he plays soccer with Jessica Biel once in a while, but who wouldn’t?  Butler kicks some serious behind in this movie, but he’s a good enough actor to be taken seriously, even when the story takes a hard left toward ridiculousness.  He’s got emotion and charisma; he’s not just a The Rock with a gun, as is often the case with action stars.  Of course, this movie is about one thing – action – but Butler does a good job of keeping the viewer invested in the story, while none of the other actors/characters do much of anything.

As President Asher, Aaron Eckhart is lifeless.  As Secret Service Director Lynn Jacobs, Angela Bassett completely loses Stella’s groove.  As Agent Forbes, Dylan McDermott makes the closing argument in the case for TV stars to stick with TV.  Melissa Leo is unrecognizable as the Secretary of Defense (she won an Oscar, for crying out loud!).

During the third act, the movie actually becomes comical, ending with one of the worst closing one-liners of all time (possibly on par with the closing one-liner in Vantage Point).   Of course, I may be a bit biased here, since I once wrote a screenplay about the White House being taken over by terrorists, but at least mine was a comedy; I was willing to acknowledge the fact that the whole premise is a joke.  However, Fuqua does a good job of keeping the action going throughout the film, making the weak plot more than bearable.  Of course, that’s just putting a Bandaid on a cracked skull, but it’s a common practice (For example, this morning, on a Delta flight, I saw a man ask the flight attendant for “one of those seatbelt thing”.  A moment later, the flight attendant brought over a seatbelt extender, an extra strap and buckle to be attached to the man’s existing seatbelt, because he couldn’t fit it around his stomach.), so, I’ll give him a pass.  Furthermore, the entire film takes place in The White House, one of the most interesting buildings in the world.  I did a boatload of research about 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for my screenplay, but I still learned a bunch of cool facts from Fuqua’s film (assuming most of the “facts” are, indeed, facts and not, simply, “facts”).

By the way, I’m 98% certain that this conversation took place a few years ago:

Film Producer #1: We’re making a movie about a crisis in the White House.

Film Producer #2: We should get Morgan Freeman to play the president during a crisis.  He’s done it a million times!

Film Producer #1: We totally should.  But, is it too obvious?

Film Producer #2: I know!  Let’s pull a fast one on everyone and NOT make Morgan the president.  Instead, we’ll make him the Speaker of the House, and people will be like, “What?  You guys are geniuses!  I never saw that coming!”.  Then, five seconds into the movie, he’ll become the ACTING president!

Film Producer #1: Let’s give ourselves a raise.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: I think there’s a Constitutional amendment that makes it mandatory for Americans to see action movies involving the President of the United States.  If that’s the case, you could do worse than spend two hours in a theater with Olympus.  Although he’s chosen some mediocre material this time around, and pinched a few pennies on the special effects, Fuqua is a supremely talented director (he helped Denzel win an Oscar for Training Day) working with a usually-stellar cast.  The final product is not nearly as great as the sum of its parts, but you will be entertained by Olympus‘s action sequences, the terrorists’ intricate coup, and Butler’s ability to not suck when so much around him is sucking.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

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Director: Don Scardino

Writer: Jonathan M. Goldstein, John Francis Daley

Starring: Steve Carell, Steve Buscemi, Olivia Wilde, Jim Carrey, James Gandolfini, Alan Arkin

Tomatometer: 39/24/63 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Albert and Anthony, two nerdy middle-schoolers, bond over the abuse they suffer at the hands of the cool kids, as well as their love of magic.  Twelve seconds later, they are headlining magicians at Bally’s in Las Vegas.  Now that they’ve been performing together for 30 years, as The Incredible Burt Wonderstone and Anton Marvelton, their magical friendship has frayed significantly.  When the mystifying Steve Gray (a David Blaine/Criss Angel hybrid) shows up on the strip, Burt and Anton’s ticket sales plummet, forcing them to find some perspective.

Two Cents: It’s fun to watch funny people have fun.

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone is exactly what you think it is.  Steve Carell does his best Michael Scott impression as Burt, a self-obsessed nerd who grossly overestimates his own coolness, Jim Carrey makes a triumphant return to his patented ridiculousness, and Steve Buscemi takes a break from running Atlantic City to show off the comedic chops that made him famous.  With mildly humorous input from Gandolfini and Arkin, this cast is a comedy lover’s dream.  The cast is far better than the material, but they do their best to make it work.

Magic is cool.  Magicians aren’t necessarily cool, but that which they do is pretty awesome.  This movie gets to the heart of the matter.  The task of any magician is to make people believe to be possible that which they know to be impossible.  Whether that impossibility is pulling a rabbit from a hat, sawing a busty blond in half, or making a yacht disappear (#GOB), the goal is the same.  With a quick misdirection or some deft slight-of-hand, anything is possible.  Similarly, with an adequately skilled cast of comedians, any script can lead to a genuinely funny movie.

There’s no question that Steve Carell is a bona fide movie star.  He’s got range, he’s lovable, and he’s a skilled negotiator.  When he left The Office, we all hoped he would go on to make groundbreaking and hilarious movies. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone is neither groundbreaking, nor hilarious, yet it is an enjoyable comedy, and, if this is Carell’s worst movie, then we’re in for a fun career.

Jim Carrey must have been living a pretty exciting life over the last five years.  He’s certainly shown no desire to enjoy movie stardom.  It’s hard to argue that Carrey simply had  to make an appearance in this film, but it’s equally difficult to imagine any other actor doing such a great job of playing wacky douche Steve Gray.

Steve Buscemi was born to play introverted weirdos.  Sure, that’s not the kind of thing you want to hear in the speeches at your bar mitzvah, but it can make for a rather lucrative career choice.  On Boardwalk Empire, Buscemi has proven he’s a seriously gifted actor.  However, I’m sure I’m not the only one who hopes to see him doing a lot more comedy in the near future.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: If you like Steve Carell, and you’re in the mood for some good, harmless fun, you should see The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. You don’t need to see it in a theater, as none of the tricks require elaborate staging, but you’ll definitely enjoy the film when you get around to it.  Should you forget all about it by the time it hits your VOD list, that’s okay, too.  I think you’ll live.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops

Spring Breakers

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springbreakers

Director: Harmony Korine

Writer: Harmony Korine

Starring: James Franco, Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez, Ashley Benson, Rachel Korine

Tomatometer: 68/62/56 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Four girlfriends, studying at a less-than-prestigious institution of higher education, pool their money for a spring break trip to Florida.  In order to make up for the group’s fiscal shortcomings, three of the girls rob a local restaurant.  Once in Florida, the girls party too hard, subsequently becoming involved with a visionary gangster named Alien.

Two Cents: The casting for this movie is incredible.  I don’t mean to imply that the acting is of a remarkable quality.  Obviously not – Vanessa Hudgens is in the movie.  Rather, the decision to put “Vanessa Hudgens”, “Selena Gomez”, and “Ashley Benson” on the poster contributed greatly to Harmony Korine’s success at shocking viewers with his story of a spring break vacation gone wrong.  Korine does a fantastic job of juxtaposing the carefree and insane-in-the-best-way spirit of the ideal spring break trip with the seedy, dark misadventure into which it can turn.  No doubt, many moviegoers will see the names of two Disney starlets and a Pretty Little Liars regular and assume that Spring Breakers is the Saved by the Bell: The College Years of the High School Musical franchise.  That assumption could not be further from the truth.  In fact, a group of six young girls (high school age) sat in front of me at the theater.  They were giggling with anticipation during the previews, yet left the theater en masse about 25 minutes into the feature presentation.  Sorry, girls, but this is your future.  It happened to Gabriella, and it’s going to happen to you.  Yes, your dads will be pissed, but your moms will be jealous.

Korine’s exhibition of the two sides of the spring break coin was so masterful, it actually reassured two strong feelings I’ve been experiencing for a long time:

1. It’s a damn good thing I never went on a “real” spring break vacation.

2. I am a moron for never going on a “real” spring break vacation.

For two reasons, I could not be happier with the timing of this film’s release.  Firstly, I was in Austin, last week, for the SXSW festival, but I didn’t have a chance to see one of the hyped-up Spring Breakers screenings.  Secondly, James Franco’s (a guy whom I want so badly to be awesome) street cred needed some MAJOR redemption after his worthless performance in Oz the Great and Powerful.  Thankfully, I made up for my mistake, and Franco more than made up for his.  As Alien, Franco updates his hilarious turn in Pineapple Express by adding emotional depth and a degree of menace.  Though he often brushes against the line between great acting and SNL-worthy foolishness, Franco always manages to pull himself back in time.  Not only does he steal the show (not a difficult task, considering the cast around him), but the man who can do anything proves that he will be a force in Hollywood for quite some time.  He also looks the sexiest he’s looked in years.

Let’s talk about the girls for a beat.  Vanessa Hudgens was awful, but she certainly achieved her goal of distancing herself from her mouse-eared past. Gomez was surprisingly decent.  I thought she would be terrible, but she was actually not good.  Impressive work.  Benson is the class of the group, and she may have a future in mainstream movies, but I won’t be betting my penultimate Snickers bar on that.  Rachel Korine was on the wrong side of eh, but I guess that’s to be expected, considering she’s the only member of the cast who had to jump through two noteworthy hoops to get the part – agree to multiple nude scenes and marry the director.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: The best thing about Spring Breakers is Harmony Korine’s direction.  Although the story unfolds like a choir girl’s revenge fantasy (a la Quentin Tarantino), Korine does a praiseworthy job of keeping the film gritty and entertaining.  The third-best thing about this movie is James Franco’s performance, if you like boobies.  If not, it’s the second-best. If you’re a fan of High School Musical, Wizards of Waverly Place, or Pretty Little Liars, or if you’re pissed at Justin Bieber or Zac Efron for dumping your favorite actress-dancer-singer, that shouldn’t be the reason you see this movie.  If you’re starving for the first legitimately good movie of the year, that’s a pretty fair reason to see it.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops with whipped cream

Oz the Great and Powerful

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oz great pic

Director: Sam Raimi

Writer: Mitchell Kapner, David Lindsay-Abaire

Based On: Novel (The Wonderful Wizard of Oz) by L. Frank Baum

Starring: James Franco, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz, Michelle Williams, Zach Braff

Tomatometer: 60/30/82 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: A youngster from Kansas get caught up in a tornado.  The youngster crash-lands in a strange and magical place called Oz.  The youngster is recruited by a good witch, in order to help defeat an evil witch.  Have you seen The wizard of Oz?  Good, so, you’ve seen Oz the Great and Powerful.

Two Cents: In the words of Frank Sinatra, I had high hopes – high as the sky hopes – for the new Oz prequel.  Okay, not really, but I did think it would be pretty cool.  Unfortunately, the film didn’t quite live up to my expectations.  I usually like James Franco, but he seemed to approach this role with the same vim and vigor with which he co-hosted the Oscars.  He does a great job with drama, and he kills it as a stoner.  For some reason, though, he can’t handle anything in between.  Apparently, I’m not the only one who feels this way about Mr. Franco, as he wasn’t Disney’s first choice for the role of Oscar.  Lucky for James, though, enough dudes turned it down, and he laughed all the way to the bank with a $7,000,000 payday.  Yup, seven million, and kisses from Mila Kunis.  Not a bad way to spend three months.

Speaking of Kunis, she proved that she will never top her performance in Black Swan, when it comes to playing the villain.  Sure, part of her problem is the horrendous makeup job that was plastered on her face during filming, but I don’t think Lisa Westcott and Julie Dartnell could have saved her.

How about the rest of the ladies?  Michelle Williams is such an enigma.  She started out as the drinking, snorting, fornicating Jen on Dawson’s Creek (the greatest television series of all time), but she’s morphed into a church mouse.  She doesn’t make a peep, she rarely comes out to play, and she seems to think everyone hates her.  You’re a good actress, Jen!  I mean, Michelle.  We’re all sad that Heath is gone, but it’s time for you to smile, once in a while.

Rachel Weisz (a real-life Bond girl) looks fantastic (the best she’s looked since The Mummy), and does the best job of the three witches, which isn’t saying much.  She doesn’t get much screen time, but she makes it count.

What happened to Zach Braff?  Was he dead?  Well, if he was, he rose from the grave for this movie.  Braff plays Franco’s trusty sidekick, and does a decent job as a wanna-be Donkey.  I loved Scrubs, and I think Garden State is a great movie.  However, Braff is a poor man’s Woody Allen, at best, and he doesn’t add much life to this story.  Some of the other supporting actors (e.g., Bill Cobb) do a decent job adding to the fun-factor, but the only thing that really makes the movie interesting is the stunning visual effects work.  Unfortunately, those visual effects are only on display for about 20% of the film.

My biggest problem with this movie was Sam Raimi’s direction.  I know the story is based on children’s books, but that doesn’t mean the entire audience has yet to reach puberty.  Write this down, Sam: If there is a crowd watching two people talk, the crowd will hear what those two people are saying.  Yes, even if you turn the camera for a second, so the crowd isn’t onscreen.  Also, stop showing up for work with the libido of a 14-year-old boy.  You don’t have to dress your actresses based on what they wore in your creepy sex dream the night before.  Actually, I take that back, assuming you were trying to relay the ancient wisdom that any woman wearing a corset possesses magical powers.  Was that Confucius?

Should I/Shouldn’t I: If you see this movie, see it in a theater.  It’s beautiful enough to warrant a large screen, and there isn’t much else out there if you’re craving a magical adventure.  However, I advise you to temper your expectations.  You’ll enjoy the movie, but you won’t love it.  It won’t become a classic like its predecessor, and Franco’s performance pales in comparison to that of Judy Garland (Liza Minnelli’s mama).  If you can’t make it to the theater, don’t waste your money on the Blu-Ray.  You’re better off waiting for the film adaptation of Wicked.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops