Tag Archives: disney

The Lone Ranger

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lone ranger

Director: Gore Verbinski

Writer: Justin Haythe, Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio

Based On: Radio show (The Lone Ranger) written by Fran Striker

Starring: Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer, Tom Wilkinson, William Fichtner

Tomatometer: 25/11/68 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: John Reid joins his brother, Dan, and a group of Texas Rangers on a manhunt for outlaw Butch Cavendish.  After Cavendish’s gang kills the group of Rangers, John, the lone survivor, teams up with a wise (possibly insane) Native American and becomes a vigilante.

Two Cents: Remember when Michael Jordan played for the Washington Wizards?  How about when Madonna performed at halftime of Super Bowl XLVI?  Few things are more uncomfortable than watching a former legend attempt to relive the glory days, only to fail miserably.  Okay, Jordan was still pretty good with the Wizards, but you get the point.

Gore Verbinski, Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio, and Johnny Depp once joined forces to create one of my favorite films of all time – Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.  Not only was the first Pirates movie intelligent, funny, action-packed, and original, it was completely unexpected.  Verbeinski hadn’t yet directed a mega-budget blockbuster, Elliott and Rossio had mostly worked on animated features, and Depp hadn’t played such a unique and transformation-necessitating character since Edward Scissorhands, 13 years earlier.  No one knew what to expect from the movie, and no one could have predicted that a Bruckheimer/Disney production would lead to an Oscar nomination for a vulgar, yet lovable, pirate.  After three more Pirates movies, however, the world knows what to expect from this quartet (sextet, if you count Bruckheimer and Disney as part of the team, as you should).

When this band gets together, we know there’s going to be inventive action, a healthy dose of Deppian weirdness, and a couple of long hours in between.  I love the Pirates movies, and I even love the Oscar-nominated Rango, another Verbinski/Depp project that was surprisingly fantastic.  Still, even I have to admit that the character development, plot twists, and witty dialogue that made those movies so entertaining have been on a steady decline since 2003.

Sadly, The Lone Ranger is the most glaring proof, to date, that this team of former all-stars is grasping at straws.  There’s some of inventive action involving horses and trains, but it works only as bookends to an otherwise dull story.  Depp’s Tonto is more awkward than funny, the dialogue is atrocious, and the other characters are barely one-dimensional.  The crime of wasting Tom Wilkinson, Barry Pepper, and Depp on such worthless roles should be punishable by 5-10 years of watching this movie play on a loop.  The one bright(ish) spot was a dark and creepy performance by William Fichtner, which only seems more impressive when considering the overwhelming ineptitude surrounding him.

Armie Hammer.  Armie freaking Hammer.

Hey, Johnny, it’s Jerry.  Good news.  We picked a Lone Ranger.  And, we only had to go to the 46th name on the list.

Is this a joke?  I admit I’m not very familiar with the Lone Ranger radio show or television program, but there’s no way George Seaton, Earle Graser, Brace Beemer, and Clayton Moore were this vapid.  If Verbinski had asked Depp to hold a broomstick with a mask stapled to it, it would have put Hammer to shame.  Note to casting directors: When searching for a talented actor who can do a legendary role justice, carry a two-hour, franchise-launching blockbuster, and successfully share a screen with Johnny Depp, your best bet is to steer clear of someone who got his start on Gossip Girl.  Do you remember who starred opposite Depp in the Pirates movies?  That’s right, Geoffrey Rush, a man who is one Grammy away from becoming the world’s twelfth EGOT winner.  There’s got to be someone somewhere in the middle.

I am a huge fan of most of the key players here, and that’s precisely why this flop hurts so much.  We can only hope the dubious (and Verbinskiless) Pirates of the Caribbean 5 (and 6) will turn this sinking ship around.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: The plot is flat, the twists are predictable, the acting is weak, the dialogue is laughable, and the action is sporadic.  If that sounds like a winning combination to you, be my guest.

Sundae Rating: Empty cup

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

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burtwonderstone

Director: Don Scardino

Writer: Jonathan M. Goldstein, John Francis Daley

Starring: Steve Carell, Steve Buscemi, Olivia Wilde, Jim Carrey, James Gandolfini, Alan Arkin

Tomatometer: 39/24/63 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Albert and Anthony, two nerdy middle-schoolers, bond over the abuse they suffer at the hands of the cool kids, as well as their love of magic.  Twelve seconds later, they are headlining magicians at Bally’s in Las Vegas.  Now that they’ve been performing together for 30 years, as The Incredible Burt Wonderstone and Anton Marvelton, their magical friendship has frayed significantly.  When the mystifying Steve Gray (a David Blaine/Criss Angel hybrid) shows up on the strip, Burt and Anton’s ticket sales plummet, forcing them to find some perspective.

Two Cents: It’s fun to watch funny people have fun.

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone is exactly what you think it is.  Steve Carell does his best Michael Scott impression as Burt, a self-obsessed nerd who grossly overestimates his own coolness, Jim Carrey makes a triumphant return to his patented ridiculousness, and Steve Buscemi takes a break from running Atlantic City to show off the comedic chops that made him famous.  With mildly humorous input from Gandolfini and Arkin, this cast is a comedy lover’s dream.  The cast is far better than the material, but they do their best to make it work.

Magic is cool.  Magicians aren’t necessarily cool, but that which they do is pretty awesome.  This movie gets to the heart of the matter.  The task of any magician is to make people believe to be possible that which they know to be impossible.  Whether that impossibility is pulling a rabbit from a hat, sawing a busty blond in half, or making a yacht disappear (#GOB), the goal is the same.  With a quick misdirection or some deft slight-of-hand, anything is possible.  Similarly, with an adequately skilled cast of comedians, any script can lead to a genuinely funny movie.

There’s no question that Steve Carell is a bona fide movie star.  He’s got range, he’s lovable, and he’s a skilled negotiator.  When he left The Office, we all hoped he would go on to make groundbreaking and hilarious movies. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone is neither groundbreaking, nor hilarious, yet it is an enjoyable comedy, and, if this is Carell’s worst movie, then we’re in for a fun career.

Jim Carrey must have been living a pretty exciting life over the last five years.  He’s certainly shown no desire to enjoy movie stardom.  It’s hard to argue that Carrey simply had  to make an appearance in this film, but it’s equally difficult to imagine any other actor doing such a great job of playing wacky douche Steve Gray.

Steve Buscemi was born to play introverted weirdos.  Sure, that’s not the kind of thing you want to hear in the speeches at your bar mitzvah, but it can make for a rather lucrative career choice.  On Boardwalk Empire, Buscemi has proven he’s a seriously gifted actor.  However, I’m sure I’m not the only one who hopes to see him doing a lot more comedy in the near future.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: If you like Steve Carell, and you’re in the mood for some good, harmless fun, you should see The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. You don’t need to see it in a theater, as none of the tricks require elaborate staging, but you’ll definitely enjoy the film when you get around to it.  Should you forget all about it by the time it hits your VOD list, that’s okay, too.  I think you’ll live.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops

Spring Breakers

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springbreakers

Director: Harmony Korine

Writer: Harmony Korine

Starring: James Franco, Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez, Ashley Benson, Rachel Korine

Tomatometer: 68/62/56 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Four girlfriends, studying at a less-than-prestigious institution of higher education, pool their money for a spring break trip to Florida.  In order to make up for the group’s fiscal shortcomings, three of the girls rob a local restaurant.  Once in Florida, the girls party too hard, subsequently becoming involved with a visionary gangster named Alien.

Two Cents: The casting for this movie is incredible.  I don’t mean to imply that the acting is of a remarkable quality.  Obviously not – Vanessa Hudgens is in the movie.  Rather, the decision to put “Vanessa Hudgens”, “Selena Gomez”, and “Ashley Benson” on the poster contributed greatly to Harmony Korine’s success at shocking viewers with his story of a spring break vacation gone wrong.  Korine does a fantastic job of juxtaposing the carefree and insane-in-the-best-way spirit of the ideal spring break trip with the seedy, dark misadventure into which it can turn.  No doubt, many moviegoers will see the names of two Disney starlets and a Pretty Little Liars regular and assume that Spring Breakers is the Saved by the Bell: The College Years of the High School Musical franchise.  That assumption could not be further from the truth.  In fact, a group of six young girls (high school age) sat in front of me at the theater.  They were giggling with anticipation during the previews, yet left the theater en masse about 25 minutes into the feature presentation.  Sorry, girls, but this is your future.  It happened to Gabriella, and it’s going to happen to you.  Yes, your dads will be pissed, but your moms will be jealous.

Korine’s exhibition of the two sides of the spring break coin was so masterful, it actually reassured two strong feelings I’ve been experiencing for a long time:

1. It’s a damn good thing I never went on a “real” spring break vacation.

2. I am a moron for never going on a “real” spring break vacation.

For two reasons, I could not be happier with the timing of this film’s release.  Firstly, I was in Austin, last week, for the SXSW festival, but I didn’t have a chance to see one of the hyped-up Spring Breakers screenings.  Secondly, James Franco’s (a guy whom I want so badly to be awesome) street cred needed some MAJOR redemption after his worthless performance in Oz the Great and Powerful.  Thankfully, I made up for my mistake, and Franco more than made up for his.  As Alien, Franco updates his hilarious turn in Pineapple Express by adding emotional depth and a degree of menace.  Though he often brushes against the line between great acting and SNL-worthy foolishness, Franco always manages to pull himself back in time.  Not only does he steal the show (not a difficult task, considering the cast around him), but the man who can do anything proves that he will be a force in Hollywood for quite some time.  He also looks the sexiest he’s looked in years.

Let’s talk about the girls for a beat.  Vanessa Hudgens was awful, but she certainly achieved her goal of distancing herself from her mouse-eared past. Gomez was surprisingly decent.  I thought she would be terrible, but she was actually not good.  Impressive work.  Benson is the class of the group, and she may have a future in mainstream movies, but I won’t be betting my penultimate Snickers bar on that.  Rachel Korine was on the wrong side of eh, but I guess that’s to be expected, considering she’s the only member of the cast who had to jump through two noteworthy hoops to get the part – agree to multiple nude scenes and marry the director.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: The best thing about Spring Breakers is Harmony Korine’s direction.  Although the story unfolds like a choir girl’s revenge fantasy (a la Quentin Tarantino), Korine does a praiseworthy job of keeping the film gritty and entertaining.  The third-best thing about this movie is James Franco’s performance, if you like boobies.  If not, it’s the second-best. If you’re a fan of High School Musical, Wizards of Waverly Place, or Pretty Little Liars, or if you’re pissed at Justin Bieber or Zac Efron for dumping your favorite actress-dancer-singer, that shouldn’t be the reason you see this movie.  If you’re starving for the first legitimately good movie of the year, that’s a pretty fair reason to see it.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops with whipped cream

Oz the Great and Powerful

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oz great pic

Director: Sam Raimi

Writer: Mitchell Kapner, David Lindsay-Abaire

Based On: Novel (The Wonderful Wizard of Oz) by L. Frank Baum

Starring: James Franco, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz, Michelle Williams, Zach Braff

Tomatometer: 60/30/82 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: A youngster from Kansas get caught up in a tornado.  The youngster crash-lands in a strange and magical place called Oz.  The youngster is recruited by a good witch, in order to help defeat an evil witch.  Have you seen The wizard of Oz?  Good, so, you’ve seen Oz the Great and Powerful.

Two Cents: In the words of Frank Sinatra, I had high hopes – high as the sky hopes – for the new Oz prequel.  Okay, not really, but I did think it would be pretty cool.  Unfortunately, the film didn’t quite live up to my expectations.  I usually like James Franco, but he seemed to approach this role with the same vim and vigor with which he co-hosted the Oscars.  He does a great job with drama, and he kills it as a stoner.  For some reason, though, he can’t handle anything in between.  Apparently, I’m not the only one who feels this way about Mr. Franco, as he wasn’t Disney’s first choice for the role of Oscar.  Lucky for James, though, enough dudes turned it down, and he laughed all the way to the bank with a $7,000,000 payday.  Yup, seven million, and kisses from Mila Kunis.  Not a bad way to spend three months.

Speaking of Kunis, she proved that she will never top her performance in Black Swan, when it comes to playing the villain.  Sure, part of her problem is the horrendous makeup job that was plastered on her face during filming, but I don’t think Lisa Westcott and Julie Dartnell could have saved her.

How about the rest of the ladies?  Michelle Williams is such an enigma.  She started out as the drinking, snorting, fornicating Jen on Dawson’s Creek (the greatest television series of all time), but she’s morphed into a church mouse.  She doesn’t make a peep, she rarely comes out to play, and she seems to think everyone hates her.  You’re a good actress, Jen!  I mean, Michelle.  We’re all sad that Heath is gone, but it’s time for you to smile, once in a while.

Rachel Weisz (a real-life Bond girl) looks fantastic (the best she’s looked since The Mummy), and does the best job of the three witches, which isn’t saying much.  She doesn’t get much screen time, but she makes it count.

What happened to Zach Braff?  Was he dead?  Well, if he was, he rose from the grave for this movie.  Braff plays Franco’s trusty sidekick, and does a decent job as a wanna-be Donkey.  I loved Scrubs, and I think Garden State is a great movie.  However, Braff is a poor man’s Woody Allen, at best, and he doesn’t add much life to this story.  Some of the other supporting actors (e.g., Bill Cobb) do a decent job adding to the fun-factor, but the only thing that really makes the movie interesting is the stunning visual effects work.  Unfortunately, those visual effects are only on display for about 20% of the film.

My biggest problem with this movie was Sam Raimi’s direction.  I know the story is based on children’s books, but that doesn’t mean the entire audience has yet to reach puberty.  Write this down, Sam: If there is a crowd watching two people talk, the crowd will hear what those two people are saying.  Yes, even if you turn the camera for a second, so the crowd isn’t onscreen.  Also, stop showing up for work with the libido of a 14-year-old boy.  You don’t have to dress your actresses based on what they wore in your creepy sex dream the night before.  Actually, I take that back, assuming you were trying to relay the ancient wisdom that any woman wearing a corset possesses magical powers.  Was that Confucius?

Should I/Shouldn’t I: If you see this movie, see it in a theater.  It’s beautiful enough to warrant a large screen, and there isn’t much else out there if you’re craving a magical adventure.  However, I advise you to temper your expectations.  You’ll enjoy the movie, but you won’t love it.  It won’t become a classic like its predecessor, and Franco’s performance pales in comparison to that of Judy Garland (Liza Minnelli’s mama).  If you can’t make it to the theater, don’t waste your money on the Blu-Ray.  You’re better off waiting for the film adaptation of Wicked.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops