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Blue Jasmine

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blue jasmine

Director: Woody Allen

Writer: Woody Allen

Starring:  Cate Blanchett, Alec Baldwin, Sally Hawkins, Andrew Dice Clay, Bobby Cannavale

Tomatometer: 85/80/79 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Jasmine has lost everything – her homes, her jewels, and her Ponzi scheming husband.  Desperate for some stability, she moves in with her formerly estranged sister.

Two Cents: I don’t think I could name a director, nor a writer, with a more distinct style than Woody Allen’s.  If I showed you E.T. for the first time, would you be able to name Steven Spielberg as its director, without hesitation?  I’d counter with Saving Private Ryan, and you’d have to rethink your position.  Would you bet your life on the assumption that Martin Scorcese directed The Departed?  Not if Hugo were the only other Scorcese movie you’d seen.

Even when he’s not acting in his movies, Woody is still very much the star.  Each line of dialogue drips with Allen’s trademark wit and sarcasm.  I am not, by any stretch, a Woody fanatic, but I’ve seen enough of his films to know what a Woody Allen film is.  And, Blue Jasmine is undoubtedly a Woody Allen film.

As one of my friends put it, Woody Allen is played by Cate Blanchett.  Her Jasmine is the broken and scorned widow of a financial schemer.  Plainly, Jasmine is Allen’s version of Ruth Madoff.  Her husband, Hal, a WASPy version of Bernie, is played by the brilliant Alec Baldwin.

Blanchett, like Woody often does, moves effortlessly between cynicism, self-loathing, and preachiness.  Though Jasmine’s own life is a complete mess, she always knows best how to fix the lives of those around her.  She is the paradigm of what everyone thinks would happen to a billionaire who loses everything.  She’s completely lost her bearings, she has no plan of action, and she’s been shunned by her “friends”.  However, because she once had a house in the Hamptons, she believes she’s still more intelligent and righteous than everyone with whom she interacts.  In a way, Blue Jasmine is a revenge fantasy for anyone who’s ever secretly (or not so secretly) craved the downfall of a person of means.  Let’s be honest.  How badly do you want to see an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians after Kris loses all her money?  Sure, it sounds cruel, but that would get a better rating than the Super Bowl.  

As he always does, Allen put together a stellar cast for this film.  Each performance is commendable, but Blanchett’s stands out.  Sally Hawkins was good enough that, from now on, I’ll actually care if Sally Hawkins is in a movie.  Andrew Dice Clay was surprisingly convincing as the representative for The Working Man, and I only wish he had more screen time.  Bobby Cannavale did a nice job as Hawkins’s boyfriend, but I don’t think I’ll ever be impressed with Cannavale again, after his phenomenal performance on the 2012 season of Boardwalk Empire.  Louis C.K. was fine in a small cameo, but that’s really all it was.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: You’d think that, after 49 films, all with a very similar and distinct voice, we’d be over Woody Allen.  Apparently, we’re not.  This past Sunday morning, I arrived early to the theater, which is a rare occurrence.  To my surprise, there was a line around the corner.  I’ve never seen such a long line for a movie that was not about a superhuman.  Granted, the average age of the line’s inhabitants was north of 70, but that only proves Allen’s staying power even more.  These people have already seen the other 48!  No, Blue Jasmine is not a great movie, but it’s a good movie that will certainly satisfy Woody’s fans.  Blanchett is the story, but since she really is just playing Woody, she only gets partial credit for her performance.  If you like Woody Allen, in general, you’ll enjoy this one.  If you’re unfamiliar with his work, this film will serve as a fine introduction to his portfolio.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops

The Lone Ranger

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lone ranger

Director: Gore Verbinski

Writer: Justin Haythe, Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio

Based On: Radio show (The Lone Ranger) written by Fran Striker

Starring: Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer, Tom Wilkinson, William Fichtner

Tomatometer: 25/11/68 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: John Reid joins his brother, Dan, and a group of Texas Rangers on a manhunt for outlaw Butch Cavendish.  After Cavendish’s gang kills the group of Rangers, John, the lone survivor, teams up with a wise (possibly insane) Native American and becomes a vigilante.

Two Cents: Remember when Michael Jordan played for the Washington Wizards?  How about when Madonna performed at halftime of Super Bowl XLVI?  Few things are more uncomfortable than watching a former legend attempt to relive the glory days, only to fail miserably.  Okay, Jordan was still pretty good with the Wizards, but you get the point.

Gore Verbinski, Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio, and Johnny Depp once joined forces to create one of my favorite films of all time – Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.  Not only was the first Pirates movie intelligent, funny, action-packed, and original, it was completely unexpected.  Verbeinski hadn’t yet directed a mega-budget blockbuster, Elliott and Rossio had mostly worked on animated features, and Depp hadn’t played such a unique and transformation-necessitating character since Edward Scissorhands, 13 years earlier.  No one knew what to expect from the movie, and no one could have predicted that a Bruckheimer/Disney production would lead to an Oscar nomination for a vulgar, yet lovable, pirate.  After three more Pirates movies, however, the world knows what to expect from this quartet (sextet, if you count Bruckheimer and Disney as part of the team, as you should).

When this band gets together, we know there’s going to be inventive action, a healthy dose of Deppian weirdness, and a couple of long hours in between.  I love the Pirates movies, and I even love the Oscar-nominated Rango, another Verbinski/Depp project that was surprisingly fantastic.  Still, even I have to admit that the character development, plot twists, and witty dialogue that made those movies so entertaining have been on a steady decline since 2003.

Sadly, The Lone Ranger is the most glaring proof, to date, that this team of former all-stars is grasping at straws.  There’s some of inventive action involving horses and trains, but it works only as bookends to an otherwise dull story.  Depp’s Tonto is more awkward than funny, the dialogue is atrocious, and the other characters are barely one-dimensional.  The crime of wasting Tom Wilkinson, Barry Pepper, and Depp on such worthless roles should be punishable by 5-10 years of watching this movie play on a loop.  The one bright(ish) spot was a dark and creepy performance by William Fichtner, which only seems more impressive when considering the overwhelming ineptitude surrounding him.

Armie Hammer.  Armie freaking Hammer.

Hey, Johnny, it’s Jerry.  Good news.  We picked a Lone Ranger.  And, we only had to go to the 46th name on the list.

Is this a joke?  I admit I’m not very familiar with the Lone Ranger radio show or television program, but there’s no way George Seaton, Earle Graser, Brace Beemer, and Clayton Moore were this vapid.  If Verbinski had asked Depp to hold a broomstick with a mask stapled to it, it would have put Hammer to shame.  Note to casting directors: When searching for a talented actor who can do a legendary role justice, carry a two-hour, franchise-launching blockbuster, and successfully share a screen with Johnny Depp, your best bet is to steer clear of someone who got his start on Gossip Girl.  Do you remember who starred opposite Depp in the Pirates movies?  That’s right, Geoffrey Rush, a man who is one Grammy away from becoming the world’s twelfth EGOT winner.  There’s got to be someone somewhere in the middle.

I am a huge fan of most of the key players here, and that’s precisely why this flop hurts so much.  We can only hope the dubious (and Verbinskiless) Pirates of the Caribbean 5 (and 6) will turn this sinking ship around.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: The plot is flat, the twists are predictable, the acting is weak, the dialogue is laughable, and the action is sporadic.  If that sounds like a winning combination to you, be my guest.

Sundae Rating: Empty cup

The Heat

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the heat

Director: Paul Feig

Writer: Katie Dippold

Starring:  Melissa McCarthy, Sandra Bullock

Tomatometer: 62/69/78 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Sandra Bullock is a superb FBI agent, and she knows it.  Melissa McCarthy is the ultimate rule-breaking cop, and she knows the streets of Boston better than anyone else does.  Forced to work together to track down a druglord, these two know-it-alls become locked in an epic battle of one-upmanship.

Two Cents: Just as an actor can often fall into a specific niche role, never to find a way out, so, too, a director can become the go-to guy/gal for a specific genre.  For example, Christopher Nolan did wonders for Batman, so DC Comics made sure to get him heavily involved in a Superman reboot.  Do you have a weak script that’s going to need a transfusion of explosions and humor, in order to survive?  Michael Bay is your man.

After the incredible success of last year’s Bridesmaids, people finally believe that chicks are sort of funny.  However, only Paul Feig seems to have Hollywood’s blessing, when it comes to betting actual dollars on that belief (something that will probably only happen once or twice a year for the foreseeable future).  Paul Feig is 50 years old, but Bridesmaids was his first silver screen hit.  Still, he found a formula that works, and that’s exactly why he’ll be directing female comedies like The Heat for years to come.

The Heat is nothing new, but it’s certainly entertaining.  There are even a few laugh-out-loud moments, which has been rare the last few years.  Lucky for Feig, he had the privilege of working with Bridesmaids‘s breakout star, Melissa McCarthy, once again.  McCarthy owns this movie the way Eddie Murphy owned the Beverly Hills Cop movies.  Even with a star like Bullock beside her, and a bounty of well-known and talented comedic and character actors filling out the smaller roles (and some decent cameos), McCarthy demands attention in every frame.  She’s obnoxious, lovable, grotesque, and hilarious.  Bullock is very good, as well, but she knows it’s not really her show.

The real issue is whether McCarthy’s act (which isn’t far off from the characters she played in Bridesmaids and Identity Thief) will get old after another movie or two.  It happened to Zach Galifianakis, it happened to Jim Carrey, and the list goes on.  Feig and McCarthy are both riding high, right now, but one can’t help but wonder whether they should quit while they’re ahead.  Surely, each of them is talented enough to try something else and achieve incredible success.  Right?  Well, I guess time will tell.  (It’s worth noting that McCarthy’s tame sitcom, Mike & Molly, was 2012-2013’s 37th-highest rated show.  Not great, but surprisingly respectable.)  But, one thing’s for sure; we should all enjoy it while it lasts.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: Melissa McCarthy is a rare breed – an actress who is actually getting lead roles!  Not only that, but studios are even writing lead roles with McCarthy, specifically, in mind.  That just doesn’t happen, these days.  She is a star, and she deserves her success.  That’s even more rare.  Eventually, she’ll be replaced in the Hollywood hierarchy by another comedic actress, so, make sure you catch her while you can.    

Sundae Rating: Two scoops

The Kings of Summer

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kings of summer

Director: Jordan Vogt-Roberts

Writer: Chris Galletta

Starring:  Nick Robinson, Gabriel Basso, Moises Arias, Nick Offerman, Erin Moriarty

Tomatometer: 72/61/83 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Sick of living with his miserable father, and hoping to impress his sweetheart, Kelly, Joe decides to run away from home and live in the woods.  He is joined by his best pal, Patrick, who is desperate to escape the claws of his own overbearing and unbearably annoying parents.  Somehow, Biaggio, a peculiar neighborhood kid, winds up on the team, as well.

Two Cents: Some movies are summer movies because they are released during the summer.  Others are summer movies because they celebrate the most wonderful blessing ever bestowed on a child – summer!  Not summer in terms of weather and Earth’s position in the galaxy, but summer in terms of vacation from school.  The Kings of Summer, as you may have surmised from its title, is in the latter category.

In this exquisite ode to the freedom and exploration (of nature and self) that are synonymous with summer vacation, three teenagers cause widespread panic as they courageously escape their mundane lives.  The only sad part of the movie is the fact that the main characters are so sheltered, they’ve never even heard of sleep-away camp, a modern and popular alternative to running away from home.  Sad as that may be, Joe, Patrick, and Biaggio make the most of their summer break by building a sweet “tree house” in the woods.  While living there, they encounter all the problems one might expect to befall a suburban teenager living on his own – lack of funds, lack of survival skills, and, most importantly, lack of deodorant.

Although the main characters seek freedom from their parents, that freedom is symbolic.  Not only do these kids live outside of their homes, but they live outside the pressures of teenage social life.  An athlete, a nerd, and a complete nut job become family, much like in The Breakfast Club, simply because they are together, and no one else is watching.  It’s a classic theme in teen movies, and Vogt-Roberts handles it beautifully.  I often remind myself that, were there no one on Earth but we two, Brad Pitt would consider me his best friend.

Robinson, Basso, and Arias are all solid in this film, but none stands out as a future star.  Arias is the most interesting, as he takes awkwardness to new heights, but his act probably isn’t sustainable.  Moriarty does a nice job as Joe’s love interest, but she may not end up being yours.  Nick Offerman is the real star of the movie, delivering his classic mean-spirited, dry sarcasm with incredible touch.  Megan Mullally puts her famously shrill voice to good use as Patrick’s insufferable mother.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: The Kings of Summer is the kind of movie that makes you long for your childhood.  If you’re not seduced by all the billboards and commercials hawking blockbusters this summer, find some time to see this indie.  It won’t be playing in many theaters, and it might not be out for very long, so get on your horse!

Sundae Rating: Two scoops with whipped cream

Now You See Me

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now you see me

Director: Louis Leterrier

Writer: Ed Solomon, Boaz Yakin, Edward Ricourt

Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Mark Ruffalo, Woody Harrelson, Isla Fisher, Dave Franco, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, Mélanie Laurent

Tomatometer: 47/26/75 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Jesse, Woody, Isla, and Dave are all middling street magicians.  A mysterious person in a Zuckerbergian hoodie recruits the four of them to perform as a team.  After a year of preparation, the Four Horsemen open their act in Las Vegas.  For their final trick of opening night, the group magically robs a bank, setting off an FBI-led manhunt and a slew of high-profile crimes.

Two Cents: Like many who saw its trailer, I could not wait for this movie.  Boasting a stellar cast and the combination of a classic film genre (bank robbery) with another that has long been under-appreciated (magic), this movie had “summer fun” written all over it.  Sadly, those words were written with one of these.

The first half of the movie is actually quite entertaining.  Some of the tricks are extremely cool (keep telling yourself they’re not just cheap cinematography tricks), and the story moves with the pace of a Formula-1 car.  However, the movie loses steam toward the end of Act II, as it turns into a game of “Who’s playing whom?”.

Let me be the first to diagnose director Leterrier with Shyamalonosis.  Now You See Me is doomed by Leterrier’s obsession with forcing a shocking twist at the expense of the rest of his film.  Like Shyamalan almost always does, Leterrier fails miserably in his quest, completely wasting a promising build-up and decent performances from Eisenberg, Harrelson, and Ruffalo.  A twist only works when it is supported by that which comes before it, and this movie’s not-so-big twist could be easily debunked by any of the scenes that precedes it.  That’s not a twist, it’s a lie.  (Out of respect for those who have yet to see Now You See Me, I’ll refrain from saying anything that might be considered a spoiler.)  M. Night would be proud of you, Louis, but he’s probably the only one.  Even your own mother thinks you stink.

It was great to see Dave Franco in another big release.  He had a respectable role in last year’s 21 Jump Street, but he has yet to reach the notoriety of his brother James.  He is a gifted comedic actor, and I’m sure we’ll be seeing much more if him in the future.  Isla Fisher must be an awesome person to count as a friend.  She’s married to Sacha Baron Cohen, and she seems to be a ton of fun.  However, even with the world’s greatest push-up bra, she’s completely wasted in this movie.  She’s not a great actress, but she can be entertaining and funny when given the opportunity.  Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine should have saved on airfare and sent cardboard cutouts of themselves to the set.  They could not have seemed more uninterested in this movie.  Mélanie Laurent (Shosanna from Inglourious Basterds) is pretty darn close to mesmerizing, but Leterrier did not get out of her what he could or should have.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: Don’t view the title of this movie as an obligation.  Now You See Me (or, maybe, you don’t) is a fun movie, but it doesn’t nearly reach its potential.  You won’t hate it, but you’ll most likely be disappointed.  With so many blockbusters coming out this summer, you’d be better off letting this one slip through the cracks and catching it on HBO next winter.  If you forget to DVR it, feel free to save two hours and just ask me what happens at the end.

Sundae Rating: One scoop

The Hangover Part III

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hangover 3 poster

Director: Todd Phillips

Writer: Todd Phillips, Craig Mazin

Starring: Zach Galifianakis, Ken Jeong, Ed Helms, Bradley Cooper, John Goodman

Tomatometer: 21/19/88 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Alan has gone off his meds, and he’s too much for his parents to handle.  The Wolfpack agrees to shuttle Alan to a psychiatric facility in Arizona.  On the way, the boys are attacked by a criminal mastermind in search of Mr. Chow.  In order to save (white) Doug, the Wolfpack must track down their wacky acquaintance.

Two Cents: What do all great supporting characters have in common?  The word “supporting”.  In the final (please, God) installment of the Hangover series, Todd Phillips makes the grave error of attempting to turn a supporting character into a main character.  Then, in an unprecedented move that must have been sparked by a complete loss of brain function, Phillips attempts to turn an even less significant supporting character into a main character, as well.  I deserve to be punched in the face for using the following term, but I can’t think of anything more apropos: EPIC FAIL!

In The Hangover, we were introduced to Alan, one of the most hilariously clueless characters in buddy comedy history.  Zach Galifianakis’s performance was so inventive and refreshing, it set him down a career path that has, so far, been littered with discount copies of the same exact role.  In The Hangover Part III, Alan becomes the central character and, thanks to reviews like this one, Todd Phillips has finally learned what the people on Hoarders learned long ago – too much of a good thing can really suck.  Alan’s act gets very old very quickly.  As much as I love and admire Galifianakis, fifteen minutes into the movie, I found myself doing something I normally save for my private time – begging for more Bradley Cooper.

Not only does Alan take center stage in Part III, but he’s joined in the spotlight by Ken Jeong’s eccentric and thrill-seeking criminal, Mr. Chow.  In the first installment, Chow was a welcome addition to an already-stellar roster of comedic characters.  In the second, he was the kind of friend from whom you’d like to hear a story or two, but with whom you’d never actually want to spend the time it takes to hear a story or two.  In this installment, he’s just downright unbearable.

Think about some of the great supporting characters from comedy films – Carl Spackler from Caddyshack, Les Grossman from Tropic Thunder, and Farva from Super Troopers, for example.  All these classic characters were introduced to us by directors who understand that wacky supporting performances should be used like salt.  A few shakes  of salt can make a decent meal truly wonderful, but, if you let the cap fall off, the whole dish is ruined.

From the opening sequence of the film to the last, it is painfully obvious that Phillips has run out of ideas for his beloved characters.  Funny can’t be forced, and, apparently, neither can laughter.  As hard as I tried, I did not laugh out loud a single time during this movie.  You know you’ve wasted your money (luckily, I attended a half-price showing) when the big opening joke (the one that sets the tone for the entire movie) revolves around giraffes being taller than cars.  The film ends with a teaser (as every installment in a series of movies should), suggesting the possibility of a fourth Hangover movie, but let’s hope the promotional posters are truthful and “The End” really means the end.

So long, Alan Garner.  I sincerely hope we never meet again.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: You should not.

Sundae Rating: Empty cup

Mud

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mud poster

Director: Jeff Nichols

Writer: Jeff Nichols

Starring: Matthew McConaughey, Tye Sheridan, Jacob Lofland, Reese Witherspoon

Tomatometer: 98/97/88 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Two kids from Arkansas, Ellis and Neckbone, find a boat in a tree.  As any betting man might suspect, Matthew McConaughey is living in the boat in the tree.  McConaughey is laying low as he waits for his girl, Juniper, to meet up with him, so they can run away together.  He asks the boys to help find Juniper, but some bad news may have found her, already.

Two Cents: Before I go any further, the answer to your question is, “yes”. Indeed, McConaughey takes his shirt off.  Let’s continue.

There’s a saying in Hollywood that goes something like, “One for you, one for me”.  The idea behind that saying is that an actor – a real actor, not Justin Timberlake – must shoot a movie with mass appeal (a potential blockbuster) before he can take a role in a movie about which he is truly passionate (an indie).  Otherwise, he’ll fall out of the spotlight, won’t make any money, and will lose the liberty of, sometimes, working on low-budget passion projects.  Remember when Tom Hanks starred in The Da Vinci Code?  He quickly followed that with Charlier Wilson’s War.  Brad Pitt chased Mr. and Mrs. Smith with Babel, Ocean’s Thirteen with The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, and Megamind with The Tree of Life.  Tom Cruise is the king of 14U14M.  He’s followed Mission: Impossible with Jerry Maguire, M:I-2 withVanilla Sky, Minority Report with The Last Samurai, M:I-3 with Lions for Lambs, and Tropic Thunder with Valkyrie.  Essentially, the idea is that the movies an actor does between his (or her) blockbusters prove what kind of actor he is, wants to be, or thinks he is.  Okay, you get the point.

For years, Matthew McConaughey waved a white flag and surrendered all hope for being considered a “real” actor.  From 2002 through 2009, McC starred in Reign of Fire, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Tiptoes, Sahara, Two for the Money, Failure to Launch, We Are Marshall, Fool’s Gold, Tropic Thunder, and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.  (On some planets, 2008’s Surfer, Dude might be considered a passion project, so I’ll leave that one out.)  McC had been headed down a path of Affleckian forgetfulness.  Then, like the bearded Ben himself, McC pulled a career 180 in 2011.  Following his turn in The Lincoln Lawyer, Matt has starred in Bernie, Killer Joe, The Paperboy, Magic Mike, and Mud, all indies.  Not only has McC shown a new dedication to independent film, he even won his first Independent Spirit Award for his portrayal of Dallas in Magic Mike.  Apparently, he does believe in 14U14M, only he thought it meant one decade for you and one decade for me.  Of course, there’s still plenty of time for McC to stabilize or screw up his career trajectory, but if he continues down his current path, we can expect to see a whole new level of artistry from this formerly bald Texan.

Back to Mud. Although it technically premiered in 2012 (at the Cannes Film Festival), Mud might be my favorite film of 2013, so far.  It is the story of an unlikely friendship between Ellis, a young boy going through some difficulties at home, and Mud, a man on the run.  Both children of the Mississippi River, Ellis and Mud share an unwavering belief in the power of love.  The river is used as a strong symbol of dedication and loyalty throughout the movie.  

The acting from the two leads is simply exquisite.  McConaughey doesn’t quite reinvent himself, but he basically takes all the good things we’ve seen him do over the years and funnels them into a single performance.  Tye Sheridan, who plays Ellis (and played one of Brad Pitt’s sons in Tree of Life), does an outstanding job carrying the story from start to finish.  He and Jacob Lofland, who plays Neckbone, make yet another case for the difference between child actors and actors who happen to still be children.  Lindsay Lohan was a child actor.  Sheridan and Lofland have more talent in their earlobes than Lohan has MDMA in her entire body.

Reese Witherspoon doesn’t do anything too noteworthy, but she does do  a fine impersonation of someone who clearly has experience with being pulled over for a DUI.  The rest of the cast is very solid, as well.  Michael Shannon (who previously worked with Nichols on Shotgun Stories) is one of my favorite actors, so it was nice to see him, even in a small role.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: I’m extremely bummed about Mud being released in April, as I firmly believe it would have gotten some serious Oscar buzz as a December release.  (There’s still hope!  Best Picture winner The Hurt Locker was released in June.)  However, it is a privilege to see a quality film right before we all get beaten senseless by the impending barrage of summer blockbusters (or, “for you” films).  You should absolutely see Mud.  There’s no question about that.  If you prefer to see movies at home, there’s no need to see this one in a theater.  There are no special effects that demand a silver screen, but Jeff Nichols’s outstanding third film certainly demands your attention.  You may even stop wanting to punch Matthew McConaughey in the face.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops with whipped cream and hot fudge

Pain & Gain

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pain gain pic

Director: Michael Bay

Writer: Christopher Markus, Stephen McFeely, Pete Collins (based on magazine articles by)

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, The Rock, Anthony Mackie, Tony Shalhoub, Ed Harris, Rob Corddry

Tomatometer: 48/49/61 (all critics, top critics, audience)

Spoiler-free Summary: Mark Wahlberg, a body-building fitness fanatic, develops an obsession with being a “doer”.  Unfortunately for Mark, his idea of being a doer involves kidnapping and robbing millionaires.  In hopes of completing his self-assigned mission, Marky Mark recruits a team of less-than-intelligent sidekicks, including Anthony Mackie, The Rock, and an objectively attractive performance artist.  Okay, she’s a smokin’ hot build-a-stripper.

Two Cents: In the words of a late-night talk show host after Nate Ruess’s band performs on his show: That was fun.  These days, few people truly stand for something.  Sure, Barack Obama stands for healthcare reform, and Justin Bieber stands for high-top sneakers, but no one stands for anything the way Michael Bay stands for mindless fun.  No, his movies haven’t been legitimately good since The Rock, but it’s scientifically impossible to walk out of a Michael Bay movie without a smile and a desire to blow something the hell up.

Pain & Gain is a true story, but you won’t believe it.  In fact, during one of the more entertaining sequences in the movie, Bay quickly pauses the action in order to remind the audience that the story is, in fact, a true one.

Mark Wahlberg is a pretty decent actor, but there was no need for him to show off his acting skills in this movie.  All he had to bring was his glistening pair of guns.  If you were wondering why Mark’s sleeves were holding on for dear life at the Oscars, now, you know why.  As the leader of the Sun Gym Gang, Mark does a masterful job of combining of brazenness, stupidity, and taking oneself way too seriously.

Anthony Mackie is dependable, as always, and The Rock is FINALLY doing exactly what he was born to do.  The Schwarzeneggerness of the three main actors is as awesome as awesome gets.  The Rock is so physically perfect, I am 83% certain that he had his old football pads implanted beneath his skin.  If I didn’t firmly believe that anyone using it deserves a punch square in the face, I would be tempted to use the word  “ridonculous” to describe The Rock’s arms and chest.

Rob Corddry, Ed Harris, Rebel Wilson, and Ken Jeong do a nice job filling out the supporting roles, but Tony Shalhoub is quite surprising.  After three dozen seasons of Monk, which were viewed by seven people, Shalhoub built a persona of being kind and awkward.  In this movie, however, he gets downright repulsive as the Sun Gym Gang’s first target.  Tony’s philosophical discussions with His Rockness are particularly entertaining.

Should I/Shouldn’t I: Take off your fedora, your indoor scarf, your summer-only winter hat, and your bow tie and sit your ass in a movie theater.  If you have the ability to admit that you like to be entertained in a non-ironic way, then you should see Pain & Gain.  It’s not a good movie.  It’s just not.  Still, the story is remarkable, and the movie is a Paula Dean-sized helping of fun.  Do you like muscles?  Do you like laughing at stupid people?  Do you like comedy?  Do you like hot strippers who have no logical place in a story, but manage to pop up quite often, anyway? Of course, you do!  Personally, I only like that stuff ironically, but that’s only because I’m cooler than you are.

Sundae Rating: Two scoops